Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I know you all think I disappeared...

...but I didn't.  I'd like to, though.  I had another miscarriage.  I was only 8 weeks, so it's not nearly as traumatic as it was with Baby Teysko - I don't mean to minimize 8 week losses for anyone reading this who has had one...it well and truly sucked - but after you had an emergency ride to the hospital with clots the size of grapefruits falling out of you, and then go through 8 hours of active labor under bright lights with IV's sticking in you, and sign death certificates and deal with mortuaries and your milk coming in...well, a loss at home sitting on the toilet involving nothing more than lots of pads and extra towels to lay on is kind of Club Med in comparison.  I didn't even go to the ER.  I talked to the labor & delivery nurse and doctor, and they both agreed that it would be safe for me to be at home.  I mean, women have been losing babies in the comfort of their own home for millions of years, right?   I'm so sick of paying ER bills for dead babies.

So, yeah.  That's what's going on.  I will write more about this later.  Right now I'm just trying to keep my mind off it, playing lots of Oblivion, hugging on to my hubby something fierce, and thinking about spending the springtime getting healthy and healing, and taking more time off before we try again.  Eight months ago I didn't even know I was pregnant the first time - I was just finding out.  In 8 months I found out I was pregnant, carried Baby T to 21 weeks, lost him, got pregnant again, carried to 8 weeks, and lost that baby.  It's freaking exhausting, and I need a break.  I need to spend the springtime walking by the lake, and reading books, and eating well, and taking a vacation, and writing...and not be obsessed with temping and charting and all the other high-maintenance trying-to-conceive stuff I was doing.

The one thing I'm taking heart from is that I got pregnant again so soon after losing Baby T.  It was only three cycles.  Which shows me that I don't have to worry about my fertility too much right now, and we do truly still have time to heal and get strong before going down this path again.

If anyone wants to send good thoughts, I'll take 'em.  If you're the praying kind, I'll take those, too.

4 comments:

Christy Nicholson said...

I'm so sorry. sending prayers your way.

Heather T. said...

Thanks Christy. I pretty much feel like a complete failure at the moment, and I'm angry at everything - I'm even angry at Baby T for letting us get a rainbow baby that wasn't going to make it, and not somehow intercepting it. Makes a lot of sense, I know, but I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm sure Baby T understands. Thanks for the prayers..again... I'm following what's going on with David and am sending you lots of prayers, too.

Rebecca said...

My heart broke when I read this post... I will keep you guys in my prayers. A wish you both a healthy and healing spring! .R

Alyssa Dyksterhouse said...

@ Heather, I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you. Let me know if you need anything.