How to Not Annoy Me when You're Taking Your Kids on Vacation

So it's the Summer Vacation Season again, kids, which means that I, like most people who travel a fair amount for business rather than pleasure, will be spending more time in the airport fuming at stupid people and counting down the days until school starts and we can get our quiet, hurried, peaceful security lines back.

Having just completed two trips this month that challenged my ability to stay zen in the face of supreme annoyances, I have compiled a list of Things To Not Do In Order To Avoid Pissing Me (and any other business travelers) Off.

Please study and remember these before you take the kids off to Disneyland this summer.  There will be a test, in the form of the number of sighs that come from the be-suited, briefcased person behind you.  Less than three, and you're doing ok.  Between 5 and 10, we won't kill you.  Over 10, and you are officially on the Business Travelers Family Horror List and we reserve the right to roll our eyes at you, repeatedly.

1)  Just because you CAN get 2 free bags plus a carry on plus a personal item on Southwest doesn't mean that you HAVE to.  I CAN jump off a bridge.  Doesn't mean it's a good idea.  Listen, you don't need all that shit you're taking.  I can guarantee that in two weeks you'll glance at those cute little outfits that you never wore and wonder why you lugged them along.  Why do overpackers like you piss off people like me?  Because you clog up all the walkways with your carts and your luggage spilling out over it, and you stop in the middle of the walkway to readjust your straps and pile up your bags again, and your crap gets in my way.  You take forever in the dropoff areas lugging your bags out of the car.  I'm in a hurry.  You might not be, but I am.  So please, when you think you're done packing, go through your suitcase and remove half of everything, and repack.  You will take up less space, you will move faster, and you won't annoy me.

2)  Follow the signs.  When you're on an escalator or moving walkway, and it says "stand to the right, walk on the left," do that.  Again, I'm rushing.  I'm trying to get to my appointment and get home so I can spend some time with my husband on our deck.  Follow the directions and we'll get along ok.  Make me squeeze through you, walk over your luggage, or correct your kid, and you're toast.  I will plow right over you.  I swear to God I will.

3)  Speaking of your kids, be responsible for them.  When you're in an airport, you're in a place where, nine months of the year, the vast majority of the people who are there are doing business.  They're making phone calls, skyping Hong Kong, etc.  I get it that you have a right to be there - that's why there are tiny chairs and play areas.  But for the love of God, don't give your kids a gallon of coke so they're bouncing off the walls while I'm trying to read the Financial Times.  Just because you think it's cute that they walk up to strangers and try to undo their shoelaces, that doesn't mean everybody else thinks it's cute, ok?  I don't want to have to slug your kid.  Don't give me a reason to.

3B) Equally annoying are those parents who scream at their children for no reason.  Don't be a dick to your kids in the presence of a hundred and fifty people on your plane.  You'll just look like an asshole and make us all uncomfortable.

4)  Now is not the time to study the menu at Starbucks and ask the barista what the difference is between an Americano and a Frappuccino.  Do that at your neighborhood Starbucks at 11am on a Wednesday.  Not when there's a line of people behind you, all of whom are rushing for a flight and are itching for some caffeine so they can prepare for their meetings.

4B)  Don't act surprised when you get charged $5 for a cup of coffee.  It's annoying and reminds those of us who do this all the time how much of our lives and money we've wasted overpaying for stale grease sandwiches in crappy airports.

5)  Be prepared.  Be prepared for the security lines.  Pack your liquids in a handy spot so you don't have to stop and hold the line up while you go through a suitcase full of socks to find your ziploc baggie.  Watch what other people in the line in front of you.  For example, if you're behind 20 people, and they're all getting out their ID and boarding passes, and showing them to the nice TSA officer, that means that you will probably have to do that, too.  Don't be all surprised when you get up there and he asks to see it.  You saw this one coming a mile away.

6)  Don't act retarded.  This means: don't try to be cute and cut in line in the security line because you're a single man traveling with no luggage when you clearly haven't traveled post 9/11 and don't know that you have to take off your belt, keys, phone, shoes, dignity, etc., and you wind up holding us all up because you were too cool to wait while I lugged my suitcase up on the belt (oh, and if you're a man, and you offer to help women with their bags, this act of chivalry goes a long way to avoid us blogging about what an asshole you are after you pull a cute stunt like that).

7)  Don't act all freaked out.  It's really not that scary.  You're stressing us all out with all your nerves.  Listen, bags usually don't get lost.  If there are enough of you on a late flight, the connecting flight is probably going to wait for you.  If they don't, you'll get the next one.  If there isn't a next one, they'll put you up in a hotel and give you food vouchers.  It's really not that bad.  Be cool, remember you're on vacation, and leave your stressy energy at home.

Thank you.  I feel better now.

Lost Pups

I don't know how many local people in my mountains area read this blog, but I'm thinking at least a few, since I have my gig writing for the Rim of the World website.  So if you're local, this applies to you.  These two pups were running around our street yesterday, and when Jonathan called to them to get off the street, they trotted right up our steps and plopped themselves on our deck, and haven't left yet.  They're clearly cared for, but there are no phone numbers on either of their collars (grrrrr), so we can't call the owners.

We called the vets and humane society, posted on ROTW, and will post flyers at the post office and grocery store.  If you know these dogs, can you please email me?  They're scared and frightened - I'm guessing last night may have been one of the first times they slept outside because they were freaked out at everything.  And the black one is getting old and has a bit of a limp, and you can see cataracts developing already.  We put a bunch of blankets out, so they're comfy, and we bought food, so their bellies are full.  But I'm really not interested in becoming a dog owner right now, as sweet as they are, so I want to find their owners asap!

And people, please, if you have dogs, put your phone number on their collars!  Even if they're indoor - you just never know if there's an emergency (ie a fire or earthquake) and they get separated from you...well...not having a number on their collars pretty much guarantees you won't see them again unless people like us take them in.  And frankly, they barked so much last night (to which our neighbors can also attest) that I didn't get a lot of sleep, and was pretty tempted to just shoo them off the deck by 2am.  The only thing that quieted them is that Jonathan, channeling St. Francis, went and slept outside on the deck with them for three hours.  And I don't think he's going to want to do that again tonight.

So please, for the peace and quiet of the neighborhood, as well as the well-being of these girls, somebody please tell me that you know these pups and can get me the phone number of their owners!!!

Party Animal and Pet Peeves

This weekend hubs and I went to Epicenter 2010, a big rock festival type of thing at the Fontana raceway. I was really looking forward to rocking out and feeling 24 again, but my almost-19-weeks pregnant body had other ideas.  Especially since it was 100 degrees.  My mind wanted to go hang out near the front and scream and yell and jump up and down.  My body, which won out, wanted to stay in the cooling tent, which was a tent set up with lots of water misters, so you could just sit and get a lovely light mist on you.  So I hung out there, and read ebooks on my phone.  Party animal that I am.  Hubby would come back and keep me company after each concert for half an hour while they were setting up for the next one.  I tried to leave the tent and get in the action for Eminem, but there was so much smoke - both cigarette and pot - that I had to leave.  I felt like a fuddy duddy, but whatever.  Today I feel kind of sick, so I don't know whether I'm going back, which really bums me out because Blink is playing tonight.  I might just drop hubby off, and then go hang out in an air-conditioned store for a while, and then come back when it's dark. 100 degrees is just too hot to be walking a mile through a parking lot.

I did have fun people-watching though.  I always enjoy playing Fashion Do's and Dont's when I'm at places like that.  Like Do: wear sensible walking shoes.  Don't: wear 4 inch heels.  It doesn't make you look hot.  It makes you look stupid.    Especially when you're clearly teetering around in them, and look like you're about to trip any second.

And to the girl in the red cardigan:  Look, I know you're a big girl.  I know you don't want to draw attention to yourself.  I'm right there with you.  But seriously.  It's 100 degrees out and everybody else is wearing bikini tops and shorts and at the most, t-shirts.  So you, walking in your long dark jeans and dark tshirt and red cardigan - you're actually drawing more attention to yourself than if you would just wear something sleeveless.  Listen, I know how you feel.  The first time I went sleeveless, I felt totally naked.  But here's a thought - no matter how big or small someone is, they are probably thinking about their own arms much more than they're thinking about yours.  And also, I don't know whether you realize this or not, but the cardigan doesn't actually hide that you have big arms.  It just makes them red.  And there's no way to draw more attention to yourself than to have a heat stroke because you're trying to keep up with your cutoff-clad friends.  So seriously, please, take off the cardigan and put some shorts on.  Please.  I'm worried about you.

It reminds me of the big girls who go swimming with t-shirts on over their suits. That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Because here's the thing.  T-shirts, when they get wet, actually cling to you.  So you're not actually hiding anything, and you're just drawing attention to yourself because you're swimming in a t-shirt.  I know the idea of just wearing a swimsuit is scary.  Heck, even skinny girls get nervous shopping for swimsuits.  I don't actually know this from experience, not being skinny myself, but I read about it in magazines.  So I know that if you're big and embarrassed about it, the idea of wearing a t-shirt over top of your suit is appealing.  And that's fine when you're dry . I have no problem with it when you're dry.  But when you get into the water, suddenly you become a Big Girl In A Wet T-Shirt Contest.  And everybody looks at you because it's unusual to go swimming in a t-shirt.  So then not only does everybody look at you, but then they all figure it out that you're trying to cover up your pudge, and then they laugh to themselves because it's not working.

So please, Big Girls of the World, please stop drawing attention to yourselves by wearing Too Many Clothes.  It doesn't help.  It really doesn't.

On the other end of the spectrum, the woman wearing a yellow halter top in a size 26 with silver horizontal sequin strips without a bra - you should be taken home immediately.  Simply removed from society until you can learn how to dress yourself.  Why do clothing companies make yellow halter tops in a size 26?  Can I make that illegal?  Can I make it illegal for size 26 women to go without a bra?  It's not doing anybody any favors, lady.  Least of all you.  So go home and put some clothes on.  Please.

Incidentally, my other big pet peeve in life is when people send you a message saying the meeting will be at 10am PST and it's July.  Look, 10am PST in July is actually 11am.  We jump ahead.  We're in Daylight Savings Time.  Hello?  Do you not remember moving all your clocks forward?  Don't even use the S if you're going to use it wrong.  Just say 10am pacific time.  If you can't keep it straight whether we're in daylight time or standard time, just don't mention either.  Please.  It's seriously annoying.  I get snarky with people.  I write back and say, "I'm confused.  10am PST is actually 11am in daylight time, which is what we're in, so can you clarify the time of the meeting, please, because I don't want to miss it."  I don't care if it upsets them.  They're the dumbasses who can't keep it straight what time of year it is.

I'm cranky today.  Time for a nap.