Thursday, March 19, 2009


So I got really sick last weekend. Like, REALLY sick. Like, going to the hospital because I was throwing up so much I was critically dehydrated sick. And I've decided something. Being sick as an adult sucks. When you're a kid and you get sick, it's totally cool. You get to stay home from school and watch crappy daytime tv - when I was a kid it was stuff like Mash and Hogan's Hero's reruns intersperced with the ITT Tech commercials. (Incidentally, these days I tivo Melrose Place reruns on the Soap network because no matter how many times I've watched it, I still have to root for Amanda and Kyle to work out because they were just so sweet and normal together. I'm just not down with Amanda and Peter.)

But when you're an adult you don't get people coo-ing over you. You get to clean up your own throw up messes. You still have to feed the cats and clean the litter boxes. The emails still pile up. It's just too much effort. Seriously, it's just not fun. Fortunately for at least the first day I had my hubby helping, but then he got sick too, so we were just a sick mess.

Also, I found another chin hair last night. Who decided that it would be a fun thing to give women chin hair when they hit their 30's? Like I don't have enough hair-related stuff to worry about already. Now I get to examine my chin once a month in a magnifying mirror just to make sure I don't look like the witch from hanzel and gretel.


Anyway, the whole throwing up repeatedly thing has had me rethinking pregnancy. I was all for it last week, which was, admittedly, during the "let's have a baby" part of my cycle, and I got caught in the cute baby section of Target, but still. I was all like, "ok, I'll make an appointment with my doc, let's do it." But now I need a break from throwing up. A big break. And I want to eat a magic mushroom on a beach in Goa first during a spiritual Indian yoga retreat. That's not really something you can do when you have a kid. The magic mushrooms, that is. The yoga retreat would probably be good for the kid. So I'm going to refill my pill prescription and tell my parents they won't be grandparents for a while yet. I still got stuff to do and places to go before I'm ready to pack up the RV and go on family camping trips to Yosemite.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Still trying to make up my mind what to do when I grow up

I'm having a Weird Day. Well, actually it's been a Weird Week. I went up to San Mateo on Wednesday, and am going up again this week. I'd say I'm getting too old for all those long days, but I'm not. I guess I'm just lazy at the moment. The past two weeks have been really stressful, and I'm finding it difficult to manage life in the midst of stress. Like the huge piles of mail that seem to be mating and having children every time I step away from my desk.

So I tried to spend this weekend just chilling out. Went to the video store and got two movies, made a big batch of Italian Wedding soup to graze on all day, have been reading, napping, etc. I must get to the mail pile at some point, but it will still be there tomorrow, and I'm not going to mail any checks on a Sunday night, so I'm just going to listen to Bruckner and deal with it tomorrow.

The thing that made today Weird, though, was that I watched a wonderful movie, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, which I highly recommend. But the building that one of the main characters lived in is the building I used to work in, on John Adam Street, WC2H, near the Charing Cross Station and the bend in the Thames. It got me really missing London. I'm really struggling to figure out how I'm going to get back there. When I first had to leave I was all full of optimism. I'd get my MBA and would find a company to sponsor me, or I'd just start a company, or I'd become a famous writer, or I'd get married to a British man, or something simply because I had to be in London. It's where my soul is supposed to be. When I would go back on vacations I'd send postcards to myself, reminding myself of how happy I am there, and warning myself not to get lazy and complacent. (On a side note, the first time J and I went to London, he said he was amazed because I was like me, only totally different. It was like me on steroids or something. He said I was happy and energetic and alive in ways he'd never seen in me before).

Which now, seven years later, it appears I've done. I keep trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, and I'm on a Path and I'll be led back there when the time is right, or I'll just figure something out and the heavens will open up and everything will be magic again. But the chances of that happening, especially next year if I get pregnant, are getting more slim. So I give myself pep-talks. Ok, this is the year when I really figure my sh*t out, right? No more being Lazy. Whatever it is - marketing for libraries, freelance marketing, who the heck knows - whatever it is, I'll do it This Year. And another year goes by, and I've not done it.

I don't want to just have another pep-talk with myself. I want to cause a transformation in my thinking, Landmark-style.

So rather than thinking about what I want to be when I grow up, I think I need to focus on the lifestyle I want, and then create something that fits within that.

The first thing is mobility. I want to be able to spend summers in the UK, and the school year in PA. And I would like to travel to CA on a regular basis. I want my child to be fully aware of, and engaged with, the larger world around him/her, and to experience it firsthand. I want him to be both a cricket and a baseball fan. Thankfully, with the internet, that is possible in ways it never was even fifteen years ago.

Second, I do not want to have to travel for work a lot. I want the travel I do to largely be pleasure. I travel for work a lot now, and I'm growing weary of it. A few times a year, maybe even once every six weeks or so, that's ok. But not every week, or even every month.

Third, I want to work for myself so that I own my time. Whether that means having some consulting gigs, and then having clients of my own, I don't know. And I don't mind hard work and long-ish hours. But I want to control those hours.

Fourth, goshdarnit, I want to make a good salary. I won't hide it. I'm good at what I do, and I need to learn how to charge for it properly. It's one thing having a salary, like I do now, and quite another to say up-front to a potential client "I think this is what I'm worth" and give some number that seems huge to me, but probably isn't so bad to them.

One good thing about the economy right now is that everyone is hunkering down and it's giving me a chance to plan and think and come to some decisions so that when things turn around - and they will - it will be good timing. I need to get on people's radar now, so that in a few years they'll hire me and I will make this dream-life thing come true.

I'm too young to be giving up on my dreams, right? I mean, everyone is too young to give up on dreams, but I'm particularly too young. And then I can watch movies with buildings in London and not cry inside.

Besides, this whole Getting Back To London thing has become the Story of my Life, and it's getting a little bit boring to keep repeating. So I've gotta stop it and just figure it out already.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

New Year's Resolution: Check-in

It's March 1 and I thought I'd do a New Year's Resolution Check-in.

1. Listening to new music... In February I discovered - or rediscovered - Finzi and Vaughan Williams choral work, Jill Scott, Ingrid Michaelson, Deuter new age music, Armik (kind of flamenco type stuff) Asa and Pink Martini.
2. working out five times a week... yep, this has been going good, and I upped the workouts to 45 minutes a session rather than just 30. Good stuff.
3. cutting back on sugar... Well, it's a little weird because I have now cut out all artificial sweeteners and am drinking "regular" coke, and iced coffees, but it seems to be true that artificial sweeteners stimulate a sweet-tooth, at least with me, because I suddenly have no desire to eat much chocolate. Very strange. Again, I wish I could quantify this somehow.
4. drinking more water... averaging 6 glasses a day.
5. going to one museum a month... did not do this in February, but will try to do two to make up for it in March?
6. finding a church for spirituality and friends... I did go to the Methodist church down the hill, and am planning on checking out Episcopalian church in Lake Arrowhead next week.
7. finding a choir or starting one... I had been starting one with a voice teacher, but that hasn't really gone anywhere yet. So I've got to get on that again.
8. reading at least one "smart" book a month... I did read more books this month, but none of them were non-fiction ones. There were some "intelligent" ones, but not any non-fiction.
9. journaling and meditating daily... Not every day, but I have been doing better. Plus yoga three times a week.
10. playing the piano a few times a week... I played the piano once a week during February. Need to get that up, but it's a start.

I'm also planning my trips to Iceland and back to London later on this spring/summer so I'm doing better with the whole being Grown Up Girl and not being so neurotic.