Six weeks ago I was delivering my boy. Tuesdays seriously suck. Tuesday is officially The Worst Day of the Week. I can't even watch Glee anymore because I hate Tuesdays so much. I can't think of many things I hate worse than Tuesdays right now.
The upside? I did 20 minutes of cardio today. It wasn't much, but anything is something, and I hadn't done anything at all for almost 7 weeks. Between being sick, then delivery, then the issues with my back, I had become quite the couch potato. The doctor said I could start to work out again, but nothing too serious - just enough to get the heart beat up. So I did part of a Dancing With The Stars workout disc. Nothing like a little bit of Max to look at while you're exercising.
I've been thinking about my grief and how I feel like I need a break from life. I was a little bit worried about myself, but then I read this on Pregnancyloss.info -
I don't worry about the women who write about crying and saying they can't go on. They are working through their pain and grief. I worry about the woman who just wants to try again, and doesn't mention or think about the pain of losing a baby.
So I'm thinking I'm doing all right.
We are getting back on the Trying to Conceive train now, and it's nice to have something to think about - a project, as it were. On one hand I feel like that's a betrayal to Baby Teysko, but I also know that he wants us to be happy.
I've been thinking about God and my faith in all of this. I haven't written much about God, but I do talk to Him/Her/It every day about all of this. For ease in writing, I will refer to God as a Him, but I fervently believe that God is neither he/she or it. God, to me, is the energy in the universe, the life force, and our puny little brains can't imagine the overwhelming everywhereness of God, so we refer to God as a Him to make it understandable. God is all of the love and consciousness of the universe.
So I've been thinking about why God would let this happen to me. Especially given my last lengthy post about how I've always been a good person and I follow rules, etc etc. I can honestly say that there hasn't been one moment where I've questioned this being God's will. I don't like it, but I have to believe that I can't comprehend what God's will is. And I have to believe that there will come a time when this will all become clear to me. There might be lessons that I needed to learn out of this - what matters and what doesn't, the complete unimportance of everything that doesn't matter, patience, letting go, not needing to be in control of everything, dealing with grief...and the list goes on. Maybe these were the lessons that I was sent to earth to learn. Maybe these are the things I'm supposed to be dealing with. Maybe before I came here, I had a talk with God, and he said, "I think this term we should focus on grief and letting go," and maybe I agreed to this. Who knows?
One thing I do know is that I feel like I have a new purpose in life out of this experience. I feel like there are so many women out there who have experienced this hurt - 1 in 4 according to the statistics - but nobody ever talks about it. We talk about cancer. We talk about AIDS. We talk about heart disease. But we never talk about the grief that 25% of the female population feels over losing a child. It's such a deep, personal, painful thing, and I think people just don't know what to do with it. It's ugly and it's horrific and it's terrible, but it's there. And I want to be one of the people talking about it.
I also want to do something to help other people heal. I've been thinking about starting some type of weekend retreat for couples up in my beautiful mountains. It's just an idea right now, but I was thinking that it would be lovely to have a healing place where couples who have just experienced this loss can go for a long weekend, and mix therapy with a bit of romance, so that couples can start to heal. There are tons of church camps and conference centers up here, and I think that I should be able to get a location without much of a problem. Then I'd just need therapists, child care, food, etc. I could start a non-profit or something to raise money for it.
If I could do something like this, I would be honoring Baby Teysko's legacy of bringing J and I so much closer together and taking our relationship to a whole new level. And I would be providing something for all of the women (and men) who are hurting and want both a place to get away from it all, and a place where their grief can be understood.
I think then I might understand what the purpose of this horrible mess was.
I'll keep posting updates to my plan here - but if you would like to be involved with this in any way, please email me or leave a comment. This week I will share the idea - in its conception stage - with the leader of our support group, and also my pastor (who has a masters in counseling and also had a miscarriage). So I will get some feedback from them, and refine the idea a little bit more.
Yay for something positive coming out of something horrific...
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