Thursday, November 11, 2010

Casey Schwartz at The Daily Beast - You Suck.

They say that when you become pregnant, you notice pregnant women everywhere.  It's because you're suddenly looking through the world with different lenses - lenses that notice pregnant women.  Now that I've miscarried, miscarriages are everywhere.  That being said, though, I don't think it's just me.  I think that miscarriages really are all over the place.  Mariah Carey was just on the cover of US Weekly talking about her miscarriage.  Lily Allen lost her baby.  Now we've got W talking about his experience with his mom when she miscarried.

The Daily Beast posted an article by Casey Schwartz where she described the scene, as Bush described it to Matt Lauer, as The Strange Bush Fetus Secret.  W was home with his mom when she miscarried.  She put the fetus into a jar and he drove her to the hospital.  Hey Casey Schwartz - for something to be a secret, it has to not be talked about.  Telling it to Matt Lauer on national television kind of negates the idea that it's a secret.  In a rebuttal, Time called it Not So Strange After All, outlining the medical reasons for why she would put it in a jar.  I won't go into those - I'm not an expert in what to do medically during miscarriages.

I am, however, familiar with what goes on mentally during a miscarriage, seeing as how I had one 4 weeks and 1 day ago.

Casey Schwartz, what makes you an expert on miscarriage?  Have you had one?  If so, I'm so sorry for your loss, and it would be wise for you to stand up and talk about it, and not feed the taboo attitudes that people have about them; the ideas that they need to be whispered about, can't be discussed in public, and need to be hidden from polite society.

If you haven't, which is my guess from your article, then seriously, f*ck you.  You have no idea what happens in a miscarriage.  You have no idea the physical pain that happens, the anguish when you pass your dead baby that has been growing inside of you for however many weeks.  You have no idea the confusion about what to do, what's going on, how scary it is.  I was snug in a hospital bed with warm blankets and doctors and nurses all around me, and I still thought I was going to die. Seriously. I told my husband that I was scared I was dying.  My body went into shock from the blood loss, I was shaking and shutting down, and I was passing a dead baby.

I have no idea what it would have been like to have been alone with a teenage son at home.  I didn't have the mental wherewithal to figure out if I wanted an epidural or not.  To be at home with my other child- the heartbreak, fear and confusion would have been overwhelming.

How dare you make a judgement on what is weird or strange or not on something that you have no idea or experience of.  I suspect you did it because you disagree with W's politics.  I disagree with his politics too, but this is beyond politics.  This is a sacred moment, when something that was alive suddenly isn't alive, and it's happening inside of you.  It's a moment that 1 in 4 women will suffer through, sadly.  It's admirable that W was able to be strong for his mother, to share in her pain, and to support her as she needed.  It makes him more human to me.  He experienced something that many men have had to deal with - supporting and nurturing a women during a miscarriage - but all too few talk about.  I admire him for talking about it, and for opening the forum to discuss it.

People like you shut down open discourse by making judgments on things that you know nothing about, and you keep people from talking.  And for that, you suck.

I didn't hold my baby.  I was too spent and too upset and in too much pain.  The nurses took pictures of him, and I will keep those and look at them when I miss him.  I feel like I missed an opportunity in holding him - being able to look at, love, and experience his perfectness - perfectness that I created with my husband.  There are medical reasons for keeping a fetus, and there are emotional ones.  Many people hold their baby for hours and hours after it dies, and it's comforting to them to know that it's real, it wasn't a dream.  He was there, he's mine, and he was alive inside of me.

For you to call that strange or weird shows me that you are a shallow person, lacking the depth needed to cover a story of such heartbreak.  You should have passed this story on to someone else, and stuck to writing stories like the others you did on TDB, stories about the science behind feeling full, or why men prefer fuller figured women during a recession.

By the way, if you have experienced a miscarriage, or someone close to you has, I would really love to know what train of thought led you to write your article, to get so many people riled up about something that is so personal and emotional, and to make such a judgement on something in such a short article.  Because I just can't understand it.


In other news, we picked up Baby T's ashes on Tuesday.  He's home with us now, where he belongs.  I miss him so much, but it's comforting to have him close by, on the bookshelf, and know that he is with us.  I'm too angry to write much more right now.

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