Last week I heard a story on NPR about a new book, The Information Diet, that was about how we all are suffering from information-obesity. The parallel was drawn that the same thing that happened to food in the past century is happening to information. Food used to be scarce, lots of people were growing it themselves, and calories were expensive. Now we have "food scientists" who have figured out how to make things called twinkies and ho-ho's that have "best if used by" dates up to 2 years from now.
And calories have become cheap. But with that, calories have become figuratively cheap. They're crap. The same thing is happening to information. We have tons of it. Everywhere. We're swimming in it. Actually, sometimes we feel like we're drowning in it. There are books published about how to deal with it, thus giving us more information to take in. It's freaking everywhere. But it's largely junk. The difference between Fox News and the Huffington Post really isn't that great. It's just junk that's made up to confirm the beliefs that the readers already have.
I spend my time wondering how to keep up with everything I'm interested in. How do I keep up with all the blogs, the tweets, the podcasts, the tv shows (speaking of which, I just discovered Portlandia...where the hell have I been, right?), not to mention the books and new albums (and old albums). There just isn't enough time in the day to keep up with it all, as well as answer work emails and hold down a job.
Oh, but there is. On an average day, I probably spend at least an hour putzing around on the Huffington Post. A few stories here in the morning, a video or two mid-morning, getting lost in a web of links at lunch... it adds up. Plus, I watch The Daily Show religiously. But seriously, what am I getting out of it? Is that the stuff I really care about? Yeah, it's fun to laugh at Republicans, and watch people doing stupid things on youtube, but seriously, is it making me smarter? Is it adding value to my life? When I'm done, do I think, "man, that was a good way to spend a few minutes of my life that I'll never get back"?
No. I do not.
And so, I am on the information diet. I am giving up the sugar-equivalent of information, and sticking to the stuff I really care about. Like the Madeleine Brand show. I love her. And Planet Money. And the St. Matthew Passion. You know, the important stuff in life.
I'm thinking that it's going to make a huge difference in my quest to achieve more mindfulness in life. Because anything that sucks that much time away from you can't be mindfulness-approved.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Paris: All Style, No Substance
Last Saturday I went to Paris for the day. Mainly because it sounds really neat to say, "I went to Paris for the day." When you're based in London, it's easy to do that.
I had been in Paris when I was 13 on a family vacation with my parents. I had this idea that Paris was insanely romantic. I envisioned my teenaged self (wearing my Batman shirt and bad pink lipstick) falling in love with a Parisian boy who would play the accordion and tell me that he'd meet me on the top of the Eiffel Tower. He'd wear a beret and carry a baguette, too. I didn't have a romantic rendezvous, but I blame that on the fact that I was with my parents. And being thirteen didn't help. I wouldn't have known a romantic rendezvous if it hit me in the face.
So I went back last Saturday. J went to Amsterdam for the weekend to see a friend of his. I'd been to Amsterdam before, and not being a fan of tulips or legal marijuana, and having already been to Anne Frank's house, I passed. He needed a weekend with the boys, and I needed a weekend on a train. I had been thinking about going to Italy, but I really wanted a nice long train trip, so Eurostar it was.
I arrived at the Nord station excited to see some glamour, and some elegant skinny moms with their elegant and well behaved offspring.
Instead, an old lady poked me in the ribs and asked me for three euros.
(I was subsequently poked in the ribs six times, though the amount of euros requested varied each time)
Then a smug guy on a bike honked his bike-bell at me. Apparently I was standing in the bike lane.
Oh, and then a guy whistled at me, asked me for directions, and when I tried to say something like "non parle Francais..." he blew smoke in my face.
Good God, I thought. These people are as smug as the ones in San Francisco. And at least San Francisco has the water and sunshine. What does Paris have?
I ventured off to find out, guidebook in hand. Surely there would be some style. People carrying original Louis Vuitton bags and not the cheap knock-offs I see all the time. Women walking around in four inch stiletto heels as comfortably as if they were in Dr. Scholl's. After all, the women in London are pretty glamorous, and they have nothing on Paris, right? And I do love Amelie. Really, I do. That traveling gnome is awesome.
Now, I want to be clear that I'm aware of the fact that the time I spent there was about the equivalent of judging London by arriving at King's Cross and walking down to Trafalgar Square on Tottenham Court Road. I can't judge an entire city by one road. But maybe I can? I mean, in London, that journey would take you close to Bloomsbury, the publishing and literary capital. You'd go very near Soho. You'd see St. Martin in the Fields, and the National Gallery. You'd see a lot of life.
I saw an Office Depot.
No shit, I seriously saw an Office Depot.
I saw Notre Dame, walked around the South Bank, saw Pont Neuf (a major landmark, the oldest bridge in the city, which, incidentally, was missing the "f" on the sign. Stay classy, Paris.) and ate outside at an outdoor cafe. I considered buying some makeup at a giant Yves Rocher store, but didn't once I saw the check-out line. And I marveled at some fashion faux pas, including:
- skin tight turquoise jeans paired with a sheepskin coat and purple uggs. Really?
- prostitutes wearing fur coats, and little else. Seriously, can't Peta step in and do something about that? Give the prostitutes some faux fur?
- a tan mini-skirt, forest-green tights, and shiny black stiletto boots.
The list went on. I also saw a fair few mustaches. On women.
Oh, and I have I mentioned how loud Paris is? Everyone honks their freaking horns all...the...time. There was some bicycle rally going on, and this guy must have just set his horn on "auto-annoy" because it did not stop. Where was he going to go? There were three hundred bicycles in front of him, rallying, in French. What point did the horn serve? Did making my lunch that much less pleasurable really do much for him?
So it had been 22 years since I'd been to Paris, and if you can't tell from this post, I don't really mind if it's another 22 years before I go back.
And women of the UK (and the US): please get over your inferiority complex about French women. It's like it's this made-up fairy tale that we've all bought into - that French women are more beautiful, and that Paris is more romantic. They aren't, and it's not.
Case in point:
 |
| awesome outfits |
 |
| Only Paris can make eating at KFC outside look romantic: it's a perfect example: you're outside, having a romantic dinner, but you're eating crap. |
 |
| When I go to Paris, I like to get Used Jeans |
 |
| Me and Notre Dame |
 |
| This is what you get when you order a ham and cheese sandwich in Paris. Coronary surgery included, thanks to the socialist government. |
 |
| In case you were wondering, this is the Trendy Shop |
 |
| French Subway: in Paris, calling cheap cheese "fromage" makes it cool |
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year's!
Well, I guess you all thought I disappeared off the face of the earth there for a while, huh? Nope, I'm still here. And, in Reproductive News, I'm still not pregnant.
But on to other topics.
First, November was NaNoWriMo, which necessitated me spending all my writing time on my novel, which, incidentally, I really love. I've taken a month away from it now, but I'm going to go back to it with a fresh view this month to start the editing process. This is the fourth year I've done NaNoWriMo, and this is the first time I have really loved my book.
Then came Thanksgiving, with maternal visits, and lots of turkey. Same thing you did, probably.
THEN I was up in San Francisco for a week.
And FINALLY the good stuff: we've been in London since mid December. Back in September my boss agreed to let me try out working here during a slow time of year, so that I could potentially spend a lot more time here, in the land that tickles my soul. I work California hours, I transferred my phones over, and thanks to Skype, I see my boss more often now than I do when I'm at home.
With my work schedule I start work at about 4pm, which gives me my days to go exploring, wander on the Hampstead Heath, etc. I had Christmas here, which was brilliant, and of course, New Year's. The last time I celebrated Christmas in the UK was ten years ago. It feels lovely to be back, with mince pies, and a full celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas (attention Target: if you're going to put up Christmas decorations on November 1, at least have the decency to leave them up the full Twelve Days of Christmas! Oh, that's right, that interferes with your desire to start selling Valentine's. Grrrr.).
I've been so busy living this amazing life, I haven't had much time to think about it, journal, blog, etc. But I will try to do better, if for no other reason than to document the awesomeness that is my life right now. I don't have a baby, but I do have England, so, you know, small victories.
Have you made any New Year's Resolutions?
I'm still working on mine, but they include:
1) Continuing to lose weight and get healthier.
2) Switch to mostly vegetarian foods. Mostly because the cruelty to animals in the dairy industry, especially, simply horrifies me. I feel like a hypocrite, saying I care about animals, and then supporting industries that force female cows to keep having calves so they continue to lactate, and then "dispose" of those calves. It makes me feel dirty when I think about it, and when I do eat dairy, I'm going to research it to make sure it's from a cruelty-free farm.
3) Practice transcendental meditation, which I was taught last week, at least once a day, regularly.
4) Read the entire King James Bible. I missed doing it on the 400th anniversary year, but anyone who says they care about literature NEEDS to read the King James Bible, if only for the literary influences. Even Christopher Hitchens (rest in peace) adored the King James Bible. I'm ashamed that I've not read it completely.
5) Edit and self-publish my book.
Which leaves very little time for Skyrim, but I'm going to try to squeeze that in there, as I can...
And, the usual, complete the Damn Artists Way.
Seriously, I need to do it. I'm driving myself crazy with my lame excuses for not. Which leads me to my final one:
Give Up Being Lame.
Happy 2012...
But on to other topics.
First, November was NaNoWriMo, which necessitated me spending all my writing time on my novel, which, incidentally, I really love. I've taken a month away from it now, but I'm going to go back to it with a fresh view this month to start the editing process. This is the fourth year I've done NaNoWriMo, and this is the first time I have really loved my book.
Then came Thanksgiving, with maternal visits, and lots of turkey. Same thing you did, probably.
THEN I was up in San Francisco for a week.
And FINALLY the good stuff: we've been in London since mid December. Back in September my boss agreed to let me try out working here during a slow time of year, so that I could potentially spend a lot more time here, in the land that tickles my soul. I work California hours, I transferred my phones over, and thanks to Skype, I see my boss more often now than I do when I'm at home.
With my work schedule I start work at about 4pm, which gives me my days to go exploring, wander on the Hampstead Heath, etc. I had Christmas here, which was brilliant, and of course, New Year's. The last time I celebrated Christmas in the UK was ten years ago. It feels lovely to be back, with mince pies, and a full celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas (attention Target: if you're going to put up Christmas decorations on November 1, at least have the decency to leave them up the full Twelve Days of Christmas! Oh, that's right, that interferes with your desire to start selling Valentine's. Grrrr.).
I've been so busy living this amazing life, I haven't had much time to think about it, journal, blog, etc. But I will try to do better, if for no other reason than to document the awesomeness that is my life right now. I don't have a baby, but I do have England, so, you know, small victories.
Have you made any New Year's Resolutions?
I'm still working on mine, but they include:
1) Continuing to lose weight and get healthier.
2) Switch to mostly vegetarian foods. Mostly because the cruelty to animals in the dairy industry, especially, simply horrifies me. I feel like a hypocrite, saying I care about animals, and then supporting industries that force female cows to keep having calves so they continue to lactate, and then "dispose" of those calves. It makes me feel dirty when I think about it, and when I do eat dairy, I'm going to research it to make sure it's from a cruelty-free farm.
3) Practice transcendental meditation, which I was taught last week, at least once a day, regularly.
4) Read the entire King James Bible. I missed doing it on the 400th anniversary year, but anyone who says they care about literature NEEDS to read the King James Bible, if only for the literary influences. Even Christopher Hitchens (rest in peace) adored the King James Bible. I'm ashamed that I've not read it completely.
5) Edit and self-publish my book.
Which leaves very little time for Skyrim, but I'm going to try to squeeze that in there, as I can...
And, the usual, complete the Damn Artists Way.
Seriously, I need to do it. I'm driving myself crazy with my lame excuses for not. Which leads me to my final one:
Give Up Being Lame.
Happy 2012...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
What are YOU going to do with your extra hour...
I'm kind of blown away that Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away. So I've gotta burn up all the fall candles I have because come December I'll be wanting to burn the peppermint-vanilla flavors of these soy candles I saw at the store the other day.
So we get an extra hour today. What are you going to do with it? Here are some options I'm considering:
1. Cleaning my sink to the point where FlyLady would be happy.
2. Watching that Brian Greene Nova special about the cosmos, which I believe must be a similar feeling to dropping acid. I've never dropped acid, so I can't say for sure, but the feeling of my head exploding, and not knowing which way is up and what color is purple must be similar to what it's like to do a lot of drugs...
3. Getting way ahead in my NaNoWriMo word count.
4. Organizing all my towels.
5. Getting caught up on The Artist's Way.
6. Organizing my spices.
7. Organizing the cupboard above the refrigerator, which has four years worth of junk falling out of it.
8. Playing Oblivion in preparation for Skyrim coming out on Friday (speaking of which, Skyrim Looks Awesome!)
9. Ripping a bunch of CD's.
10. Reading one or two of the magazines that are cluttering up my desk. I bought a Nook Color a few months ago for the sole reason of reading magazines on it so that my magazine clutter would go away, but I'm still working my way through what's left over... And I have a Kindle Fire on pre-order, and I already have a kindle from last year, so if anyone has any question about which ereader to buy, I'm up on the goodness and not-so-goodness of each of them...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Where in the world did Heather go?
Did she fall off the face of the planet? Nope. She didn't have another miscarriage did she? Nope. Is she perhaps pregnant, and nauseated all the time? Not so lucky. Did her house fall down on her and break all her internet devices and fall mugs? Nope. Is she just lazy? b-i-n-g-o.
Here's a round up of what I did in October, followed by the plans for a kick-ass November that I'm going to have.
In October I:
-walked an average of 18 miles a week, for a total of about 72. Dang, I walked the equivalent of going from my house to the beach. If I'm healthy enough (read: if I'm not knocked up to the point of being unable to do so) I'm going to do a half-marathon in Pasadena in January. I'm not even going to try to run it. I shall slow-pokey walk past the Rose Bowl and Cal Tech, taking in all the scenery. But I'm going to go 13.1 miles in one go.
-went on a pregnancy-loss-remembrance walk, which was sad.
-mourned the year anniversary of losing our baby. The upshot? We got cards with gift cards in them for our favorite restaurants. People rock.
- celebrated our five year wedding anniversary by moving furniture around. Oh, and we got more cards and gift cards. If anybody wants to go to Chili's, I can treat. No, I'm just kidding. I'm keeping all that molten lava chocolate cake goodness for myself.
- thought I was pregnant, which would have been kind of miraculous since it was only our first month trying, but still, I figured that I could use some good luck in the fertility area, so why not? Then I found out I wasn't pregnant, and got pissed off. This current cycle has gone all funny and weird, so I'm especially pissed off at my body at the moment.
- rode public transportation in San Francisco. So this old lady comes on to the bart train and starts waving her jacket around, holding her nose, and thanking the doors for opening and letting her on. Man, sometimes I really miss riding public transportation regularly. One time I remember this one guy kept silently trying to feel me up on the bus - this was when I was like 23 or something - and I reached over and grabbed him in his special man-place, really quick-like, and twisted my hand around, hard. He screamed like a little girl and called me a bitch. I was like, "too true, motherf*cker," and put my disc-man back on with its Tori Amos CD. After that, nobody sat down next to me for the rest of the ride. I was stoked. More place to put my bag.
- bought both a new/used couch and chair set from a lady in Temecula AND a new stove from Sears. Man, my appliance/furniture quotient just got raised by like 75%. As an aside, it led to another Yay Craigslist experience.
- lined up a petsitter for a month in December/January. Why would I need a petsitter for a month in December/January, you ask? Because my boss is totally forward thinking and appreciates the beauty of Skype, and is letting me work in the UK for a whole month. Which means that I also bought tickets to London, and am now trying to figure out how to fit a month's worth of life into one suitcase. Thank God for my Kindle.
So. November. Here's what's cooking this month:
-NaNoWriMo. The working title of my novel (after only Day 1, mind you) is Grief and Hedonism. It's sort of autobiographical, but only in that I wanted to write about the aftermath of miscarriage. It's kind of like Chick-Lit meets Grief-Lit. I guess a lot of it is stuff I've thought about doing this past year, but was too sensible to actually do. So I'm letting my characters do it, and seeing how it plays out.
- Thanksgiving, which always kicks ass in my house cuz it's my favorite holiday. I love everything about Thanksgiving. It's the perfect holiday. Food, vacation time, naps, good-smelling-houses, and no stress of having to send cards, give presents, yada yada. Actually, I don't know why I stress about sending cards. I haven't sent cards since 1997. Plus, you can listen to carols out in the open. Myself, I am a closet carol listener. I start around August, as soon as the air starts to get a little chilly and begins to hint that fall is coming. Now that I'm in a choir again, I am spending my fall singing lots of Christmas music, which makes my soul happy. But around Thanksgiving, you can start to come out of the closet and listen to carols out in the open.
- I'm going on a retreat at a benedictine monastary, which should be peaceful and inspirational.
- Losing more weight and getting new clothes. I've been stuck at this damn plateau for like four months, and I'm officially busting through it this month. Then, when the sales start after Thanksgiving, I'm getting myself some new clothes. I've been wearing the same jeans twice a week since July. I'm seriously sick of them.
- The Artists Way. I've still been doing it. Just in my own farting-around kind of way. The Artists Way Heather's Way.
- Weekend triple-walks around the lake, to get ready for this marathon. That's 9 miles. It's a hike. I've done it once so far, and it took about 2 hours and 15 minutes. And man, I was stiff afterwards. But at least that's a good justification for a bubblebath.
Happy November, everyone.
Here's a round up of what I did in October, followed by the plans for a kick-ass November that I'm going to have.
In October I:
-walked an average of 18 miles a week, for a total of about 72. Dang, I walked the equivalent of going from my house to the beach. If I'm healthy enough (read: if I'm not knocked up to the point of being unable to do so) I'm going to do a half-marathon in Pasadena in January. I'm not even going to try to run it. I shall slow-pokey walk past the Rose Bowl and Cal Tech, taking in all the scenery. But I'm going to go 13.1 miles in one go.
-went on a pregnancy-loss-remembrance walk, which was sad.
-mourned the year anniversary of losing our baby. The upshot? We got cards with gift cards in them for our favorite restaurants. People rock.
- celebrated our five year wedding anniversary by moving furniture around. Oh, and we got more cards and gift cards. If anybody wants to go to Chili's, I can treat. No, I'm just kidding. I'm keeping all that molten lava chocolate cake goodness for myself.
- thought I was pregnant, which would have been kind of miraculous since it was only our first month trying, but still, I figured that I could use some good luck in the fertility area, so why not? Then I found out I wasn't pregnant, and got pissed off. This current cycle has gone all funny and weird, so I'm especially pissed off at my body at the moment.
- rode public transportation in San Francisco. So this old lady comes on to the bart train and starts waving her jacket around, holding her nose, and thanking the doors for opening and letting her on. Man, sometimes I really miss riding public transportation regularly. One time I remember this one guy kept silently trying to feel me up on the bus - this was when I was like 23 or something - and I reached over and grabbed him in his special man-place, really quick-like, and twisted my hand around, hard. He screamed like a little girl and called me a bitch. I was like, "too true, motherf*cker," and put my disc-man back on with its Tori Amos CD. After that, nobody sat down next to me for the rest of the ride. I was stoked. More place to put my bag.
- bought both a new/used couch and chair set from a lady in Temecula AND a new stove from Sears. Man, my appliance/furniture quotient just got raised by like 75%. As an aside, it led to another Yay Craigslist experience.
- lined up a petsitter for a month in December/January. Why would I need a petsitter for a month in December/January, you ask? Because my boss is totally forward thinking and appreciates the beauty of Skype, and is letting me work in the UK for a whole month. Which means that I also bought tickets to London, and am now trying to figure out how to fit a month's worth of life into one suitcase. Thank God for my Kindle.
So. November. Here's what's cooking this month:
-NaNoWriMo. The working title of my novel (after only Day 1, mind you) is Grief and Hedonism. It's sort of autobiographical, but only in that I wanted to write about the aftermath of miscarriage. It's kind of like Chick-Lit meets Grief-Lit. I guess a lot of it is stuff I've thought about doing this past year, but was too sensible to actually do. So I'm letting my characters do it, and seeing how it plays out.
- Thanksgiving, which always kicks ass in my house cuz it's my favorite holiday. I love everything about Thanksgiving. It's the perfect holiday. Food, vacation time, naps, good-smelling-houses, and no stress of having to send cards, give presents, yada yada. Actually, I don't know why I stress about sending cards. I haven't sent cards since 1997. Plus, you can listen to carols out in the open. Myself, I am a closet carol listener. I start around August, as soon as the air starts to get a little chilly and begins to hint that fall is coming. Now that I'm in a choir again, I am spending my fall singing lots of Christmas music, which makes my soul happy. But around Thanksgiving, you can start to come out of the closet and listen to carols out in the open.
- I'm going on a retreat at a benedictine monastary, which should be peaceful and inspirational.
- Losing more weight and getting new clothes. I've been stuck at this damn plateau for like four months, and I'm officially busting through it this month. Then, when the sales start after Thanksgiving, I'm getting myself some new clothes. I've been wearing the same jeans twice a week since July. I'm seriously sick of them.
- The Artists Way. I've still been doing it. Just in my own farting-around kind of way. The Artists Way Heather's Way.
- Weekend triple-walks around the lake, to get ready for this marathon. That's 9 miles. It's a hike. I've done it once so far, and it took about 2 hours and 15 minutes. And man, I was stiff afterwards. But at least that's a good justification for a bubblebath.
Happy November, everyone.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
hard time of year
Wednesday a year ago we bought the big-ass jeep from a guy up in the Antelope Valley. We wanted a jeep because I was due in February, and we were afraid of getting snowed in. I had just hit 20 weeks. It was all downhill from here. On the way home J drove the jeep, and I drove my car. I was still feeling sick. I had been sick for four or five days. I was a little worried because I felt weird, but I had never been pregnant before. I didn't know what pregnant felt like.
On the way home we stopped at Charlie Brown Farms, a place we'd found when we went up to see the poppy reserves for the first time. J had a burger or chicken sandwich. I just had a hot chocolate because I wasn't feeling so well. I listened to music thinking about creating a birthing playlist. I wanted to have music close to me when I gave birth, and I was starting to organize my music into different types of playlists - the "new age zen" stuff for if I needed to relax, the "upbeat shake your booty" stuff if I needed energy.
The next day it was rainy and cloudy, but I went outside to take pictures of the jeep to send to my dad. J took the back seats out and hung out in the giant part in back for a while - I read a book while he read the owners manual - and we talked about the camping trips we'd take with our little Baby T.
Then the next day was Friday. We went out on a Date Night. I was feeling good. We went to Carrows. I wore my maternity jeans, and a red long sleeved tshirt that said "Baby makes the Belly go Round." I put a sweater on because I was still getting chills. I went to old navy and bought some long sleeved tshirts and yoga pants because I was going to be headed to England the next week, and I needed some more warm clothes.
Saturday J's friend came over and helped install the ladder up to my girly nook in the attic. I put up some Halloween decorations.
Sunday I remember because Tony Stewart won the Nascar race in Fontana. We had tickets to go - there was a deal where, if you bought tickets to the Epicenter rock festival two weeks before, where we saw Blink-182, you got the Nascar tickets free. We thought about going, but I was a little nervous. I still wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to get well for my trip to England that Wednesday. I told J he could go on his own, but he didn't want to. Tony won. Tony has been J's favorite driver since before I knew him. He's never seen him win in person. He was bummed, and I felt kind of like a killjoy for keeping him from going. But I brushed it off. I was pregnant. There were more important things than Nascar races.
Oh, and J felt the baby kick for the first time that day. He still isn't positive he felt a kick, but he did. He says he felt "something" and I know it was a kick.
Monday I still wasn't well, but I started making up a packing list for England. I told Sandor that I wasn't feeling great and was going to need to rest a lot while I was there. I did my laundry and rested and drank juice and ate salad. I remember the juice - Hansen's apple cranberry. I must have had five gallons of it during the two weeks I was sick. I can't drink it anymore. Plus juice is full of sugar, anyway.
Tuesday morning I checked into my flight for the next day, but I was still feeling like crap. At 11am I told J that I couldn't go to England feeling like this. If anything happened, I said, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I did a google search to see how you could get out of flights you bought on Priceline, and a bunch of former Priceline workers said that the way to do it was claim you had a miscarriage. That seemed really obscene to me, so I called them and was just honest. They let me cancel the trip and just pay a $250 fee. I wasn't thrilled about the fee, but it was better than simply eating the entire flight. I told the guy who helped me how I had read on the internet that if you claim to have a miscarriage, Priceline will refund your money. I told him I couldn't do that because I was 21 weeks pregnant, and that would be a terrible thing. He said that he hoped karma didn't bite people in the ass who did that.
I called Sandor and Anna Louisa and told them I couldn't come because I was still so sick and was worried. They were disappointed, but understood.
By 1pm I was feeling bad - backache, gassy, etc. J was at an AA meeting and I asked him to pick up lunch for us on his way home. Plus juice. Always that damned apple cranberry juice.
At 3 I put a chicken in the oven for dinner.
By 4 I was having full on contractions, but didn't know it. I called the doctor. He said to come in the next day.
At 5 I realized the pain was coming in waves, like the doctor had asked me an hour before, but I hadn't known then whether it was coming in waves - I just hadn't noticed. He said to come in right away.
I got dressed and told J we needed to go in. I was peeing before we left, and my water broke. Only I didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was blood. Lots of it. And that wasn't good. The doctor told us to go to the nearest ER.
By 6:30 I was in the hospital room seeing my boy on an ultrasound, still alive and kicking, but not able to live without the fluids.
At 7 J kissed my belly and we said goodbye to Baby T while he was still alive and could hear us.
By midnight it was over.
I ovulated last week. If I'm pregnant, I'll find out next week sometime. Even if you time everything right, there's still only a 25% chance each month that a fertilized egg will make it. So I'm not getting my hopes up that it will take this first month of trying. And hope isn't even the right word. After losing two (count 'em, two) babies, I'm not so much hoping to be pregnant. I'm hoping to have a child, to not have my only experience in the labor and delivery room be when I lost my son; and in order to do that, you need to get pregnant. And so I will brave being pregnant, with all the fear and angst that goes along with that.
I miss you Baby T. So much. Even after a year, I still ache for you.
On the way home we stopped at Charlie Brown Farms, a place we'd found when we went up to see the poppy reserves for the first time. J had a burger or chicken sandwich. I just had a hot chocolate because I wasn't feeling so well. I listened to music thinking about creating a birthing playlist. I wanted to have music close to me when I gave birth, and I was starting to organize my music into different types of playlists - the "new age zen" stuff for if I needed to relax, the "upbeat shake your booty" stuff if I needed energy.
The next day it was rainy and cloudy, but I went outside to take pictures of the jeep to send to my dad. J took the back seats out and hung out in the giant part in back for a while - I read a book while he read the owners manual - and we talked about the camping trips we'd take with our little Baby T.
Then the next day was Friday. We went out on a Date Night. I was feeling good. We went to Carrows. I wore my maternity jeans, and a red long sleeved tshirt that said "Baby makes the Belly go Round." I put a sweater on because I was still getting chills. I went to old navy and bought some long sleeved tshirts and yoga pants because I was going to be headed to England the next week, and I needed some more warm clothes.
Saturday J's friend came over and helped install the ladder up to my girly nook in the attic. I put up some Halloween decorations.
Sunday I remember because Tony Stewart won the Nascar race in Fontana. We had tickets to go - there was a deal where, if you bought tickets to the Epicenter rock festival two weeks before, where we saw Blink-182, you got the Nascar tickets free. We thought about going, but I was a little nervous. I still wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to get well for my trip to England that Wednesday. I told J he could go on his own, but he didn't want to. Tony won. Tony has been J's favorite driver since before I knew him. He's never seen him win in person. He was bummed, and I felt kind of like a killjoy for keeping him from going. But I brushed it off. I was pregnant. There were more important things than Nascar races.
Oh, and J felt the baby kick for the first time that day. He still isn't positive he felt a kick, but he did. He says he felt "something" and I know it was a kick.
Monday I still wasn't well, but I started making up a packing list for England. I told Sandor that I wasn't feeling great and was going to need to rest a lot while I was there. I did my laundry and rested and drank juice and ate salad. I remember the juice - Hansen's apple cranberry. I must have had five gallons of it during the two weeks I was sick. I can't drink it anymore. Plus juice is full of sugar, anyway.
Tuesday morning I checked into my flight for the next day, but I was still feeling like crap. At 11am I told J that I couldn't go to England feeling like this. If anything happened, I said, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I did a google search to see how you could get out of flights you bought on Priceline, and a bunch of former Priceline workers said that the way to do it was claim you had a miscarriage. That seemed really obscene to me, so I called them and was just honest. They let me cancel the trip and just pay a $250 fee. I wasn't thrilled about the fee, but it was better than simply eating the entire flight. I told the guy who helped me how I had read on the internet that if you claim to have a miscarriage, Priceline will refund your money. I told him I couldn't do that because I was 21 weeks pregnant, and that would be a terrible thing. He said that he hoped karma didn't bite people in the ass who did that.
I called Sandor and Anna Louisa and told them I couldn't come because I was still so sick and was worried. They were disappointed, but understood.
By 1pm I was feeling bad - backache, gassy, etc. J was at an AA meeting and I asked him to pick up lunch for us on his way home. Plus juice. Always that damned apple cranberry juice.
At 3 I put a chicken in the oven for dinner.
By 4 I was having full on contractions, but didn't know it. I called the doctor. He said to come in the next day.
At 5 I realized the pain was coming in waves, like the doctor had asked me an hour before, but I hadn't known then whether it was coming in waves - I just hadn't noticed. He said to come in right away.
I got dressed and told J we needed to go in. I was peeing before we left, and my water broke. Only I didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was blood. Lots of it. And that wasn't good. The doctor told us to go to the nearest ER.
By 6:30 I was in the hospital room seeing my boy on an ultrasound, still alive and kicking, but not able to live without the fluids.
At 7 J kissed my belly and we said goodbye to Baby T while he was still alive and could hear us.
By midnight it was over.
I ovulated last week. If I'm pregnant, I'll find out next week sometime. Even if you time everything right, there's still only a 25% chance each month that a fertilized egg will make it. So I'm not getting my hopes up that it will take this first month of trying. And hope isn't even the right word. After losing two (count 'em, two) babies, I'm not so much hoping to be pregnant. I'm hoping to have a child, to not have my only experience in the labor and delivery room be when I lost my son; and in order to do that, you need to get pregnant. And so I will brave being pregnant, with all the fear and angst that goes along with that.
I miss you Baby T. So much. Even after a year, I still ache for you.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
More of The Artists Way
Ok guys, so I know I've been crappy at blogging lately. But, you see, there's just been so much living going on in my life, that I'm having a hard time finding the time to blog about it. Which is a good thing, really.
First off, I joined a choir. A good choir, not an old-lady-church-choir (no offense to old-lady-church-choirs). For almost three hours a week I get to bask in the bliss of Vivaldi, and it's awesome.
Second, I'm doing The Artists Way again. Despite my best efforts, some day I'm going to finish this damn book. I've had it since 1996. Seriously. 1996. But I'm slogging through it. This week's main task is Reading Deprivation. No reading all week. But since the book dates from 1992, before the internet and email was really a big thing, I'm changing the rules a little bit. The whole point of the exercise is to clear out all the extraneous noise and chatter in your head, and give you room to create something. Julia Cameron says that many blocked creatives are voracious readers because they use other people's words and creations to numb themselves and distract themselves from what they would really like to create. That struck a chord with me, since I am a voracious reader myself, and it's probably for those reasons.
But not reading at all? What about my work email? And what about my audiobooks on my walk around the lake. Are they ok?
I found this post with updated rules for the Week 4 task in the 21st Century, and I'm going to try to abide by them. I'm also going to avoid TV. I will allow myself my audiobooks while I'm at the lake walking. I will allow myself work email, but not on a steady stream, the way it generally is now. I will check it three times a day, and respond then as needed. I won't waste time on facebook/twitter reading stupid posts conjecturing the status of the Kutcher/Moore relationship. I will not go to the Huffington Post. I won't watch The Daily Show.
I will, however, write in my journal, work on my book, and go on my Artist Date.
The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm meant to have Jury Duty on Tuesday. Ok, so listen, Tuesday has to be a giveaway day for me. Jury duty trumps Julia Cameron, no? What would I do if I didn't read? Sit and talk to people, I guess. Write.
Good grief. Ok, I will attempt to do my best to avoid reading this week, even with Jury Duty. But I have to realign my whole sense of purpose now - I had been looking forward to spending the day reading in a nice quiet spot. But now I will have to look forward to spending the day talking to new people, looking at the wall, and listening to the voice inside my head. Maybe I should just write out my inner conversation all day...
I don't know. We'll see how this goes. I'm skeptical.
First off, I joined a choir. A good choir, not an old-lady-church-choir (no offense to old-lady-church-choirs). For almost three hours a week I get to bask in the bliss of Vivaldi, and it's awesome.
Second, I'm doing The Artists Way again. Despite my best efforts, some day I'm going to finish this damn book. I've had it since 1996. Seriously. 1996. But I'm slogging through it. This week's main task is Reading Deprivation. No reading all week. But since the book dates from 1992, before the internet and email was really a big thing, I'm changing the rules a little bit. The whole point of the exercise is to clear out all the extraneous noise and chatter in your head, and give you room to create something. Julia Cameron says that many blocked creatives are voracious readers because they use other people's words and creations to numb themselves and distract themselves from what they would really like to create. That struck a chord with me, since I am a voracious reader myself, and it's probably for those reasons.
But not reading at all? What about my work email? And what about my audiobooks on my walk around the lake. Are they ok?
I found this post with updated rules for the Week 4 task in the 21st Century, and I'm going to try to abide by them. I'm also going to avoid TV. I will allow myself my audiobooks while I'm at the lake walking. I will allow myself work email, but not on a steady stream, the way it generally is now. I will check it three times a day, and respond then as needed. I won't waste time on facebook/twitter reading stupid posts conjecturing the status of the Kutcher/Moore relationship. I will not go to the Huffington Post. I won't watch The Daily Show.
I will, however, write in my journal, work on my book, and go on my Artist Date.
The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm meant to have Jury Duty on Tuesday. Ok, so listen, Tuesday has to be a giveaway day for me. Jury duty trumps Julia Cameron, no? What would I do if I didn't read? Sit and talk to people, I guess. Write.
Good grief. Ok, I will attempt to do my best to avoid reading this week, even with Jury Duty. But I have to realign my whole sense of purpose now - I had been looking forward to spending the day reading in a nice quiet spot. But now I will have to look forward to spending the day talking to new people, looking at the wall, and listening to the voice inside my head. Maybe I should just write out my inner conversation all day...
I don't know. We'll see how this goes. I'm skeptical.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)