Sunday, April 22, 2012

Committee Meeting

Those of you who have had to "work" at getting pregnant (or Tried To Conceive: TTC for short) will know all about the Two Week Wait (TWW: another acronym).  For those of you who have been lucky enough to be incredibly fertile your whole lives, let me explain.  It's the (approximately) two week period after ovulation until the time when you can take a pregnancy test, and receive a reliable answer.

For those of us in the TTC world, entering the TWW is entering a Land of Crazy.  Every pang means something.  A lack of a pang means something.  Was that a cramp?  Does that mean I'm pregnant?  I'm super tired today.  Does that mean I'm pregnant?  Oh My God, I'm so hungry.  I bet that means I'm pregnant.  Sheesh, I was so nauseous on that drive today.  That must mean I'm pregnant.  

If you're really far gone you do things like:
- start your Birth Music Playlist on Spotify.
- start picking out baby names.
- insist that your hubby does the cat litter.  Just in case.
- justify the eating all sorts of weird food on a possible pregnancy.

These actions might be harmless if it wasn't for the letdown that comes after two weeks when you realize that you're not pregnant.  After two weeks of being sure that this cycle is going to be the one, after seeing signs everywhere, saving your positive ovulation sticks for the future baby's all a bit of a nasty letdown.  So it's really best to not let yourself get too excited during the TWW.  Try to forget it's even happening.

There are a bunch of websites with tips on how to get through the TWW. has lots of forums and other time-wasting features.  Basically, the goal is to distract yourself as much as possible.  I love playing Skyrim during the TWW because five hours can go by during which I think about nothing except how to kill dragons, increase my enchanting skill, and how to make my invisibility spell stronger.  Lots of places suggest things like taking bubblebaths, painting your toenails, etc.  But this list from of 14 things to do when 14 days seems like forever has one of my favorites in: call a committee meeting of all the players going on inside of you, and make an appeal to them.

Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone…they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you've ever addressed. 

So that's what I did today.  Below is a transcript of how the meeting went.  I should add that my Egg speaks with an English accent.  And for some reason, maybe because I'm listening to Bill Bryson's In a Sunburned Country about Australia, or maybe because I'm watching a lot of cricket right now, the Sperm sounded like an Ozzie.

Egg: Order!  Order!  Calm down everyone!  Ok.  We need to take minutes.  Who will take minutes this month?
Follicle: Well, my part is already over for this cycle, right?  So I can.
Egg: Thank you.  Yes, Follicle will take minutes.  Now, did everyone receive a copy of the agenda I sent out?
Sperm: Um, I'm kind of new here.  I didn't see an agenda.  Can I share with someone?
Egg: Oh, hello Sperm.  Good of you to join us.  Yes, here, share mine.  You will need to get very close, though.  Very close indeed.
Sperm: Are you coming on to me?
Egg: Oh, you!  (bats eyelashes).
Progesterone: Ok, while you guys are busy flirting, ahem, I need some instructions here.  
Corpus Luteum: Me too!
Egg:  Oh, for pete's sake.  Have we not been through this before?
Sperm: I haven't.  Is it complicated?
Egg: Fortunately, because you clearly have a brain the size of a microscopic peanut, your part is easy.  
Sperm: I'm bored.  How long is this meeting going to last?

Egg: Well, that's what we're trying to get to.  We need to decide what to do this month.  We have a guest speaker today.  The human we inhabit wants to make an appeal.  Should we all listen to her first?  Then we can decide?

Muffled Charlie Brown sounds coming from outside the uterine area:
Wwahh Mwah wah waaaaah Baby waaah Mwaaah Good Parents Waaaah Mwaaah MUST BREED SO FUCKING WELL GET IT TOGETHER YOU LOT.

Egg: Ok, I think we'll end it there.  She's clearly excitable.
Corpus Luteum: She sounds highly unstable.
Progesterone: Oh, nobody cares about your opinion.  Will you just keep up your end of the bargain, please?  I'm depending on you to keep me alive, not make judgments on the human.
Corpus Luteum: Well, then you should be nicer to me.
Egg: I think she's nice.  I've been hanging out with her for the past 35 years.  She's really ok.  A little odd, but she's harmless.
Sperm: Well, I can tell you that the guy I've been with is kind of weird himself.  I don't know about those two.
Egg:  Well. Mine reads Dickens.
Sperm: Mine watches Nascar and UFC.
Egg:  Oh. Well.  That could make a child well-rounded, no?
Sperm: I don't really know what that means.  Is there any food here?  Do you all have Nachos and Monster Energy drinks here?  That's my favorite.
Egg: Erm, no.  We have hummus and pita.  And salad.
Sperm: What's salad?

Progesterone: Look, should we lay out the cases for and against, and just take a vote?
Sperm: Say, there's like a million of me.  How many votes do I get?

....and so it goes.  On and on, for two weeks.  How it ends, nobody knows...

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