Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Thoughts on Fertility

So I have this biological clock thing going on right now. For a little while I had been worried. I never got on the baby craze in my late-twenties when friends were. I was ridiculously content with my Wriggles, and didn't feel any emptiness or lack of femininity in my life. Then I met hubby and we were busy falling in love and getting married and buying a house, and while we had plans all along to start the conception process this year, it was always something "out there" and never seemed real.

Last year I got trapped in the baby department at Target, and for the first time ever, this overwhelming maternal feeling enveloped me. We started talking about trying earlier than originally planned; went to the doc, went off the pill, started looking at cribs for fun. That was late last summer, and I'm not pregnant yet. To be fair to the conception process, there were some times when we were apart at key times in the monthly fertility cycle, so I'm not sure that I can say we've been really trying since August. Still, I've been off the pill since then, so I have the experience of anxiously waiting every month.

We started in earnest in January. Timing things, taking my temperature, marking the calendar, everything. I'm having conversations about my cycle with strange women. It's very odd.

Last month I was late, which is unusual for me. And we really thought that was going to be it. For a few days I actually felt the way I would feel if I really was pregnant. I was thinking about everything I ate. I was taking my vitamins. Part of me was in a complete panic because once you get pregnant, it's kind of tough to go back. But mostly I was excited. When I realized that I wasn't - again - I was bitterly disappointed.

I know they say to give it a year before worrying, and I know that the more I think about it the harder it will be, and I know that anxiety doesn't help the situation, and I KNOW all that. But knowing makes no difference. I am still left with the experience of spending the last few days of my cycle wondering, waiting, and hoping. Sometimes I get the joy of peeing on a stick. Man, those days are exciting.

On one hand, I want to put it out of my mind and not think about it. But I also know that what you resist persists, and I'm not willing to let this persist in having power over me, and the more I avoid it, the more power it will have.

It's also a funny way to know myself. I never dreamt that I'd be wishing and hoping for a baby this much. I always just figured I'd be carefree about it. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, I have Wriggles.

Part of me is angry at myself for not trying sooner. Because what if I have problems? What if I can't have babies? I really want to have children while my parents are young enough to play with them and get to know them. I kick myself for not thinking like this sooner.

Still, it is what it is. I can't go back and do things over. I can only be peaceful and still and accepting of what is going on, embracing the feelings and not letting them run my life. And keep my fingers crossed for the day when I pee on a stick and see a plus sign.

Either way, I know there will be a baby in our lives in the next few years, and I'm excited about that. I just need to trust that there's a plan, and what will be will be. And not drive myself too crazy in the meantime...

The other good news is that the Spurs have made it to the Champions League! Sandor called me today in tears - he's soooo happy, and I'm so happy for him, even though I haven't really been following this season. Go Spurs!

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