The dark humor of the BP oil spill

To be filed under the People Doing Cool Things heading: The dark humor associated with the BP oil spill. Check out this article on Treehugger to see some great new logos for BP. I'm about to order a tshirt - very clever stuff. And I love the fake twitter accounts. With a mess this big, sometimes you just need to add a little humor into the mix...

I wish I could do something more - like go clean birds or something. I'll go to the June 8 meetup to try to brainstorm how I can help, but beyond giving money to the environmental organizations, I just don't know what to do. And it breaks my heart, so I just have to laugh.

Old time radio shows and my crush on Peter Cetera

I just discovered The Big Broadcast, which has become my new favorite thing. It's a four hour radio program on every Sunday night featuring the radio drama's of the 30's, 40's and 50's. But thanks to the wonders of technology, I can listen to it whenever I want. Hubby and I are loving spending half an hour every evening listening to Dragnet and Johnny Dollar, etc. What I love about these shows is the way they paint pictures with words, and the way you can imagine things. It's so much more engaging than watching TV. I highly recommend you check it out and give it a chance. It might seem a bit weird at first, but if you give it a shot, you might discover that you completely love it, like I did.

I turned 34 last week, which is really messing with my head. 34? Seriously? I'm 34 years old? When my mom was my age she had a 4 year old. It's all just too weird. I'm suddenly aware of my age. I'm not saying that I'm fighting it or anything like that. Just that I'm aware of it for the first time. Like here's a trippy thought. I began choosing my favorite radio stations in the mid-80's. I kept a tape recorder by the radio so I could record my favorite Wham and Madonna songs when they came on. In the 80's, a lot of the "oldies" doo-wap 60's stuff was just about 20-25 years old, right? Ok, so bear with me here. The music I remember listening to then is now 20-25 years old. So the music I remember listening to is now as old as the doo-wap stuff was then. So yeah, if I think about that too much it starts messing with my head, and that's never a good thing.

And here's another thing. It's no secret that I have harbored a long time crush on Peter Cetera. Since I was about 16. Yeah, well, I was thinking about that crush (while listening to my almost-perfect Peter Cetera station on Pandora) he's almost 70 now, which just seems kind of icky (no offense, Peter Cetera. I still love you and think you're the hottest almost-70 guy I know of. It just makes me feel like you're a grandfather, and it's kind of gross). Was it really nearly 20 years ago when I listened to World Falling Down on my walkman while studying for AP History?

And one other thing. My parents are in their 60's and almost 70. Which is not the correct age for parents to be. 60's and 70 is the age for grandparents. Parents are in their 30's and 40's. Which leads me to the fact that I am now firmly in my 30's. Which makes me want to scream and play some early Blink.

It's just really scary how fast time is passing, that's all. I want to slow it down so I don't miss anything. It's like somebody stuck my life on warp speed and it's just going by so quickly. I guess this is why some people have a mid-life crisis when they're 50. Well, I really want to stop and be still and notice as much as I can.

On that note, I'm having a lovely chill-out weekend. It's the first weekend in about a month where we haven't had any plans, and I'm making good use of it. Catching up on laundry, reading lots of magazines, immersing myself in Vanity Fair, taking long bubblebaths, taking my time in Target, going to the beach, snuggling with the kittens, listening to Peter Cetera - all that good stuff.

Thoughts on Fertility

So I have this biological clock thing going on right now. For a little while I had been worried. I never got on the baby craze in my late-twenties when friends were. I was ridiculously content with my Wriggles, and didn't feel any emptiness or lack of femininity in my life. Then I met hubby and we were busy falling in love and getting married and buying a house, and while we had plans all along to start the conception process this year, it was always something "out there" and never seemed real.

Last year I got trapped in the baby department at Target, and for the first time ever, this overwhelming maternal feeling enveloped me. We started talking about trying earlier than originally planned; went to the doc, went off the pill, started looking at cribs for fun. That was late last summer, and I'm not pregnant yet. To be fair to the conception process, there were some times when we were apart at key times in the monthly fertility cycle, so I'm not sure that I can say we've been really trying since August. Still, I've been off the pill since then, so I have the experience of anxiously waiting every month.

We started in earnest in January. Timing things, taking my temperature, marking the calendar, everything. I'm having conversations about my cycle with strange women. It's very odd.

Last month I was late, which is unusual for me. And we really thought that was going to be it. For a few days I actually felt the way I would feel if I really was pregnant. I was thinking about everything I ate. I was taking my vitamins. Part of me was in a complete panic because once you get pregnant, it's kind of tough to go back. But mostly I was excited. When I realized that I wasn't - again - I was bitterly disappointed.

I know they say to give it a year before worrying, and I know that the more I think about it the harder it will be, and I know that anxiety doesn't help the situation, and I KNOW all that. But knowing makes no difference. I am still left with the experience of spending the last few days of my cycle wondering, waiting, and hoping. Sometimes I get the joy of peeing on a stick. Man, those days are exciting.

On one hand, I want to put it out of my mind and not think about it. But I also know that what you resist persists, and I'm not willing to let this persist in having power over me, and the more I avoid it, the more power it will have.

It's also a funny way to know myself. I never dreamt that I'd be wishing and hoping for a baby this much. I always just figured I'd be carefree about it. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, I have Wriggles.

Part of me is angry at myself for not trying sooner. Because what if I have problems? What if I can't have babies? I really want to have children while my parents are young enough to play with them and get to know them. I kick myself for not thinking like this sooner.

Still, it is what it is. I can't go back and do things over. I can only be peaceful and still and accepting of what is going on, embracing the feelings and not letting them run my life. And keep my fingers crossed for the day when I pee on a stick and see a plus sign.

Either way, I know there will be a baby in our lives in the next few years, and I'm excited about that. I just need to trust that there's a plan, and what will be will be. And not drive myself too crazy in the meantime...

The other good news is that the Spurs have made it to the Champions League! Sandor called me today in tears - he's soooo happy, and I'm so happy for him, even though I haven't really been following this season. Go Spurs!

Cool Things

My life is brimming with coolness lately. It's a very fun experience.

First off, I finally did a new podcast episode, and I'm getting cool ideas about future episodes. The thing I've noticed about myself, and life, is that the more I put something off, the harder it gets to do it. But then when you finally do it, it's so not nearly as difficult as you think it's going to be. It's like the whole Newton thing. Body in motion stays in motion, etc. I get lazy and then, unless acted upon by an outside force (a la Landmark) I stay lazy and don't do the things I say I want to do.

Second, I was driving on Sunday afternoon and caught Speaking of Faith, which reminded me how much I love that show. Coming from Amish Country (though no, I'm not Amish and never have been) I have a funny relationship with religion. I always thought that religion meant deprivation. You can't dance. You can't make fun of things. You certainly can't watch Jon Stewart. So for a while I dropped out of religion entirely. I stopped talking to God. I decided the whole thing was a sham. But then I realized how I had collapsed the conservativeness of where I grew up with religion in general, and God in particular. When I lived in London I went to church all the time. Literally. I said it was for the music, but I also loved feeling close to heaven. I miss that. Not having a church is really something that is missing in my life. Note to self: Finish 2009 New Year's Resolution and Find A Church. In my own lame defense, I will say that a lot of it is because I live so far away from everything. But that's lame and I need to get over it.

Here's the super cool thing of the day - over 270 people have joined the Meetup Group that I started last week in the Ontario airport. Sweet!

Oh, and I spent 2 hours in the Fontana DMV today. Hope I don't have to have that experience again for a long time. It wasn't so bad. People were pretty friendly. But I can think of nicer ways to spend my time. At least that's off my list though. It feels so good to cross things off my list.