Saturday, February 15, 2014
(Press Play and Listen While Reading. See how I do Sound Effects with my blog entries?)
So I'm in kind of a weird place right now. Yeah, I know, what else is new. But I've been thinking about it, and I think I've come to a conclusion about the PPD and all of the messiness of new motherhood, etc. The receptionist at my acupuncturist's office was pregnant at the same time as I was (she gave birth the day before I did) and she said something when we were pregnant that I only just remembered. She said, "I can't wait to not be pregnant any longer so that I can get back to myself." And at the time I smiled and nodded, agreeing. But now I'm thinking about it. I don't even remember who myself is any longer.
For four years I have been obsessed with my cycles. With my basal body temperature. I have taken my temperature upon waking every morning. I have found sperm-friendly lubricants. I have logged everything. I have entire notebooks filled with the stats on my cycles. I have done tests. I have done more tests. I got pregnant. I had a life-changing heart-wrenching loss. I delivered a son. I signed a death certificate. I got pregnant again. I had another loss. I had a D&C. I couldn't get pregnant again. I bought books. I saw doctors. I got acupuncture. I took drugs. I took different drugs. I did artificial insemination. Again. And again. I took more drugs. I got pregnant. I freaked out through 38 weeks of pregnancy. And now I have Hannah.
There is a lot of space and energy available to me now that I'm done with all of that. But the me of mid 2009, when this whole "let's have a family" thing started is very different than the me of now. Not only am I almost five years older. But having been through all that, I'm a different person.
So which "me" do I go back to, now that I can sleep on my tummy, can throw away the progesterone, and can donate the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book?
I have a lot of creative projects that are hanging and need to be finished up. My book, which is begging me to finish it, is one. My Renaissance History podcast, which has something like 3500 downloads/day is another. Getting fit and healthy, while not something that would normally be seen as a creative project is something I see as creative because it's literally creating a new/healthier me.
I've been listening to Eric Whitacre a lot lately, and in the Spotify version of his album Water Night he introduces each piece. In the introduction to Alleluia he mentions how he isn't into the dogma of religion, but he loves the idea of simply praising, Alleluia. I got to thinking that that's what "religion" really should be - not a bunch of dogma and rules and shunning if people aren't obeying, but simply people getting together to praise. That's what I imagine John Lennon must have meant when he was imagining no religions. Just the awesomeness of people praising. Who cares what they're praising. That's between them and whatever/whomever it is that they're praising. But just to have people come together and praise something bigger than themselves, the mystery of life; that would be awesome.
And if you take it a step further, wouldn't it be amazing if we all lived life in praise? In praise of what? Who cares! In praise of cats. In praise of books. In praise of nature. In praise of the moon. It really doesn't matter to me. And I like to think that since my God is everywhere and everything, it doesn't matter to him/her either.
So I'm going to start living life like an Alleluia. For four years I've lived life like a question that was waiting to be answered. Now that the question mark (when/if I will have a baby) has an exclamation point (she's here!) I want to live my life like that big exclamation point. She's here, and she's glorious! And the world is glorious. Praise praise praise! The flowers are blooming! Praise! The cat is purring! Praise! Praise for the sleepless nights. Praise for the challenges. Praise for discovering and rediscovering people I love. Praise for all of it. Praise who? Praise what? It doesn't matter, that's the point! It's a praise just for the sake of praising. Because it feels good.
I'm going to do this experiment where I live life in praise of everything. And hopefully out of the praising I will figure out who this new me is, and who is way different than the me I had assumed I knew.