Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Feeling vaguely human

It was a big day.  I went back to my office and joined humanity for a few hours.  I work from home mostly, but do have an office I can go to, and generally go twice a week.  I haven't been there in ages, what with having the flu, and then losing Baby Teysko.  It was nice to put on some make up and regular clothes and listen to NPR in the car.  I even stopped at Target on the way home, and got vaguely excited when I saw they had new designer bags, but then went back to being blah over it when I realized that those bags pretty much sucked.  Florescent pink leopard print?  Seriously?  Hello, 1983 called and they want their neon back.

Jonathan came along with me, and we laughed and talked and hugged, which is largely what we've been doing the last two weeks.  More laughing lately.  That's one thing I love about my hubby.  He always makes me laugh. We make up stupid songs together about random things like chicken nuggets and cat poop, and then we sing them in harmony, and we crack up.  Maybe you have to be there.

There isn't a second of the day when I'm not thinking about Baby Teysko, and I have an empty chasm in my heart, but I'm learning how to function with that part of my heart gone.  I don't know whether I'll ever get that part back.  I'm guessing I won't.  I will just learn to live with the ache.  And I will laugh, like I did today.  I will cry and sob and break down regularly, but I will also smile when I think about Baby Teysko, and know that he's with me all the time, hanging out with me and rooting for me to be happy.  He doesn't want me to be miserable.  He wants me to laugh the way I'd laugh with him.  Eventually an entire day might go by where I won't break down.

And I finally let myself think of myself as a mother yesterday.  I am a mother.  I don't have my baby anymore, but it doesn't mean I'm not a mother.  I delivered a baby boy two weeks ago, and just because he isn't here doesn't mean I'm not his mother.  I will always be his mother, and he will always be my first, my little boy.

I'm excited to get pregnant again.  I'm praying for a lot of sticky baby dust to fall on our house with the leaves and the snow this winter.  Follow-up doctor's appointment on Thursday.  Hopefully he will give the all-clear to try again after a cycle or so.  At the hospital they told me to wait 6 months.  I was like, hello, I'm 34.  I don't actually have 6 months.  But they have to say stuff like that.  My doctor will give me the straight talk, and I'm excited for it.

The weather has cleared up, and it's a good day.

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