Thursday, October 21, 2010


It's the day before my 4th wedding anniversary.  Jonathan and I are coping.  I cry about 30 times a day, but it doesn't last as long as it did before.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss my baby boy.  I want him back.  But I'm not going to get him back.  So I'm trying to be grateful that I had him in the first place, for almost 21 weeks.  And that I know I can get pregnant.  And that I have an angel baby who I will meet someday.

I don't know who I am anymore.  This has had such a profound impact on me.  I don't know what I like to do.  I don't know what brings me joy.  I don't know what music to listen to.  The other day I put on Pandora and it was still on the Mozart channel I had started so that Baby Teysko would have good brain development.  I couldn't listen to Mozart, but I didn't know what else I wanted to listen to.  I don't know what to read.  I don't care about anything other than my husband.  I'm forcing myself to eat, but I have no appetite.  I don't care about bubblebaths.

Basically, I don't care about anything, and I don't know when I will.  I don't know who I am, I don't know what defines me.  Everything that seemed important 10 days ago seems so petty and stupid now.  I always thought that my struggle to get back to living in England was the biggest obstacle in my life.  I don't even really care about England right now, as weird as that sounds.   

I think that it will get easier with time, and I will figure out what's important to me.  Honoring Baby Teysko is important to me now.  My family is important to me.  Trying to figure out how to make something good come out of this is important to me.  Befriending other women who are going through this is important to me.  I will learn to live with this ache, and I will find joy again in life, but I don't know when.  I hope it's soon.

We went away for the weekend to Yosemite.  It was healing to commune with nature and talk to our baby and feel his spirit with us.

I am grateful that I got pregnant and that I was able to feel Baby Teysko move inside of me, and to bond with him.  I am grateful for the community of other women going through this.  I am grateful for my wonderful rock-star husband who is taking such good care of me.  I am thankful for all the support and love that so many people, even people I'm not really close to, have shown me.  I'm grateful that I was in such a good hospital, and they took such good care of me, and Jonathan.  I am grateful that I still have hope of having a baby, as terrifying as it will be to get pregnant again.  I'm grateful that the weather is supposed to clear up today.

Life goes on, one breath at a time.

1 comment:

Christy Nicholson said...

Hugs for you, your husband, and your little boy.