Wednesday a year ago we bought the big-ass jeep from a guy up in the Antelope Valley. We wanted a jeep because I was due in February, and we were afraid of getting snowed in. I had just hit 20 weeks. It was all downhill from here. On the way home J drove the jeep, and I drove my car. I was still feeling sick. I had been sick for four or five days. I was a little worried because I felt weird, but I had never been pregnant before. I didn't know what pregnant felt like.
On the way home we stopped at Charlie Brown Farms, a place we'd found when we went up to see the poppy reserves for the first time. J had a burger or chicken sandwich. I just had a hot chocolate because I wasn't feeling so well. I listened to music thinking about creating a birthing playlist. I wanted to have music close to me when I gave birth, and I was starting to organize my music into different types of playlists - the "new age zen" stuff for if I needed to relax, the "upbeat shake your booty" stuff if I needed energy.
The next day it was rainy and cloudy, but I went outside to take pictures of the jeep to send to my dad. J took the back seats out and hung out in the giant part in back for a while - I read a book while he read the owners manual - and we talked about the camping trips we'd take with our little Baby T.
Then the next day was Friday. We went out on a Date Night. I was feeling good. We went to Carrows. I wore my maternity jeans, and a red long sleeved tshirt that said "Baby makes the Belly go Round." I put a sweater on because I was still getting chills. I went to old navy and bought some long sleeved tshirts and yoga pants because I was going to be headed to England the next week, and I needed some more warm clothes.
Saturday J's friend came over and helped install the ladder up to my girly nook in the attic. I put up some Halloween decorations.
Sunday I remember because Tony Stewart won the Nascar race in Fontana. We had tickets to go - there was a deal where, if you bought tickets to the Epicenter rock festival two weeks before, where we saw Blink-182, you got the Nascar tickets free. We thought about going, but I was a little nervous. I still wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to get well for my trip to England that Wednesday. I told J he could go on his own, but he didn't want to. Tony won. Tony has been J's favorite driver since before I knew him. He's never seen him win in person. He was bummed, and I felt kind of like a killjoy for keeping him from going. But I brushed it off. I was pregnant. There were more important things than Nascar races.
Oh, and J felt the baby kick for the first time that day. He still isn't positive he felt a kick, but he did. He says he felt "something" and I know it was a kick.
Monday I still wasn't well, but I started making up a packing list for England. I told Sandor that I wasn't feeling great and was going to need to rest a lot while I was there. I did my laundry and rested and drank juice and ate salad. I remember the juice - Hansen's apple cranberry. I must have had five gallons of it during the two weeks I was sick. I can't drink it anymore. Plus juice is full of sugar, anyway.
Tuesday morning I checked into my flight for the next day, but I was still feeling like crap. At 11am I told J that I couldn't go to England feeling like this. If anything happened, I said, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I did a google search to see how you could get out of flights you bought on Priceline, and a bunch of former Priceline workers said that the way to do it was claim you had a miscarriage. That seemed really obscene to me, so I called them and was just honest. They let me cancel the trip and just pay a $250 fee. I wasn't thrilled about the fee, but it was better than simply eating the entire flight. I told the guy who helped me how I had read on the internet that if you claim to have a miscarriage, Priceline will refund your money. I told him I couldn't do that because I was 21 weeks pregnant, and that would be a terrible thing. He said that he hoped karma didn't bite people in the ass who did that.
I called Sandor and Anna Louisa and told them I couldn't come because I was still so sick and was worried. They were disappointed, but understood.
By 1pm I was feeling bad - backache, gassy, etc. J was at an AA meeting and I asked him to pick up lunch for us on his way home. Plus juice. Always that damned apple cranberry juice.
At 3 I put a chicken in the oven for dinner.
By 4 I was having full on contractions, but didn't know it. I called the doctor. He said to come in the next day.
At 5 I realized the pain was coming in waves, like the doctor had asked me an hour before, but I hadn't known then whether it was coming in waves - I just hadn't noticed. He said to come in right away.
I got dressed and told J we needed to go in. I was peeing before we left, and my water broke. Only I didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was blood. Lots of it. And that wasn't good. The doctor told us to go to the nearest ER.
By 6:30 I was in the hospital room seeing my boy on an ultrasound, still alive and kicking, but not able to live without the fluids.
At 7 J kissed my belly and we said goodbye to Baby T while he was still alive and could hear us.
By midnight it was over.
I ovulated last week. If I'm pregnant, I'll find out next week sometime. Even if you time everything right, there's still only a 25% chance each month that a fertilized egg will make it. So I'm not getting my hopes up that it will take this first month of trying. And hope isn't even the right word. After losing two (count 'em, two) babies, I'm not so much hoping to be pregnant. I'm hoping to have a child, to not have my only experience in the labor and delivery room be when I lost my son; and in order to do that, you need to get pregnant. And so I will brave being pregnant, with all the fear and angst that goes along with that.
I miss you Baby T. So much. Even after a year, I still ache for you.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
More of The Artists Way
Ok guys, so I know I've been crappy at blogging lately. But, you see, there's just been so much living going on in my life, that I'm having a hard time finding the time to blog about it. Which is a good thing, really.
First off, I joined a choir. A good choir, not an old-lady-church-choir (no offense to old-lady-church-choirs). For almost three hours a week I get to bask in the bliss of Vivaldi, and it's awesome.
Second, I'm doing The Artists Way again. Despite my best efforts, some day I'm going to finish this damn book. I've had it since 1996. Seriously. 1996. But I'm slogging through it. This week's main task is Reading Deprivation. No reading all week. But since the book dates from 1992, before the internet and email was really a big thing, I'm changing the rules a little bit. The whole point of the exercise is to clear out all the extraneous noise and chatter in your head, and give you room to create something. Julia Cameron says that many blocked creatives are voracious readers because they use other people's words and creations to numb themselves and distract themselves from what they would really like to create. That struck a chord with me, since I am a voracious reader myself, and it's probably for those reasons.
But not reading at all? What about my work email? And what about my audiobooks on my walk around the lake. Are they ok?
I found this post with updated rules for the Week 4 task in the 21st Century, and I'm going to try to abide by them. I'm also going to avoid TV. I will allow myself my audiobooks while I'm at the lake walking. I will allow myself work email, but not on a steady stream, the way it generally is now. I will check it three times a day, and respond then as needed. I won't waste time on facebook/twitter reading stupid posts conjecturing the status of the Kutcher/Moore relationship. I will not go to the Huffington Post. I won't watch The Daily Show.
I will, however, write in my journal, work on my book, and go on my Artist Date.
The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm meant to have Jury Duty on Tuesday. Ok, so listen, Tuesday has to be a giveaway day for me. Jury duty trumps Julia Cameron, no? What would I do if I didn't read? Sit and talk to people, I guess. Write.
Good grief. Ok, I will attempt to do my best to avoid reading this week, even with Jury Duty. But I have to realign my whole sense of purpose now - I had been looking forward to spending the day reading in a nice quiet spot. But now I will have to look forward to spending the day talking to new people, looking at the wall, and listening to the voice inside my head. Maybe I should just write out my inner conversation all day...
I don't know. We'll see how this goes. I'm skeptical.
First off, I joined a choir. A good choir, not an old-lady-church-choir (no offense to old-lady-church-choirs). For almost three hours a week I get to bask in the bliss of Vivaldi, and it's awesome.
Second, I'm doing The Artists Way again. Despite my best efforts, some day I'm going to finish this damn book. I've had it since 1996. Seriously. 1996. But I'm slogging through it. This week's main task is Reading Deprivation. No reading all week. But since the book dates from 1992, before the internet and email was really a big thing, I'm changing the rules a little bit. The whole point of the exercise is to clear out all the extraneous noise and chatter in your head, and give you room to create something. Julia Cameron says that many blocked creatives are voracious readers because they use other people's words and creations to numb themselves and distract themselves from what they would really like to create. That struck a chord with me, since I am a voracious reader myself, and it's probably for those reasons.
But not reading at all? What about my work email? And what about my audiobooks on my walk around the lake. Are they ok?
I found this post with updated rules for the Week 4 task in the 21st Century, and I'm going to try to abide by them. I'm also going to avoid TV. I will allow myself my audiobooks while I'm at the lake walking. I will allow myself work email, but not on a steady stream, the way it generally is now. I will check it three times a day, and respond then as needed. I won't waste time on facebook/twitter reading stupid posts conjecturing the status of the Kutcher/Moore relationship. I will not go to the Huffington Post. I won't watch The Daily Show.
I will, however, write in my journal, work on my book, and go on my Artist Date.
The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm meant to have Jury Duty on Tuesday. Ok, so listen, Tuesday has to be a giveaway day for me. Jury duty trumps Julia Cameron, no? What would I do if I didn't read? Sit and talk to people, I guess. Write.
Good grief. Ok, I will attempt to do my best to avoid reading this week, even with Jury Duty. But I have to realign my whole sense of purpose now - I had been looking forward to spending the day reading in a nice quiet spot. But now I will have to look forward to spending the day talking to new people, looking at the wall, and listening to the voice inside my head. Maybe I should just write out my inner conversation all day...
I don't know. We'll see how this goes. I'm skeptical.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Welcome to Fall (also, the Way Marketers Get Me)
Hey everybody! I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I suck at blogging sometimes. If you wondered where I went, not to worry, I'm still here. And it's fall, so I'm happy. Fall has always been my favorite season. Actually, I'm especially happy that I'm happy this year because we lost Baby T in the fall, and I was worried that I'd be miserable, associating it with the loss. But it's going ok.
So I came home from Target the other day with, among other things, a fall-looking mug. When J asks me why the hell I bought a mug when we have, like, 50 of them collecting dust, I responded thusly.
Target sells this mug for $1.99. And you might think that it's just a cheap mug, right? But you would be wrong. Because let me tell you. I'm going to dig out the espresso machine that I put away when it got warm, and I'm going to make myself white chocolate mochas and pumpkin spice lattes, and what I will do is wake up early, and drink my coffee in this mug, holding it in my hands and feeling the comfort and warmth of it, and listen to Telemann while I read thoughtful magazines like the Atlantic and the New Yorker, and do my Artists Way Morning Pages, and look out the window and think what a lovely day it is, and a cat will snuggle at my feet. I will feel calm and contented, and I will have a productive, amazing, kick@ss day. And it will all be because of the $1.99 mug. This isn't just a mug. This is autumn crispness and meditative mornings and kick-butt days. All for $1.99. I mean, seriously, how could you expect me to turn that down?
To which he replied that he couldn't expect me to turn it down, and by all means, I should consider getting a second one the next time I'm there.
So, thanks to Target, my table in the mornings looks like this. Candle: $5.99. Mug: $1.99. White Chocolate Mocha ingredients: $2.00. Tablecloth: $9.99. Autumn Bliss: Priceless.
So I came home from Target the other day with, among other things, a fall-looking mug. When J asks me why the hell I bought a mug when we have, like, 50 of them collecting dust, I responded thusly.
Target sells this mug for $1.99. And you might think that it's just a cheap mug, right? But you would be wrong. Because let me tell you. I'm going to dig out the espresso machine that I put away when it got warm, and I'm going to make myself white chocolate mochas and pumpkin spice lattes, and what I will do is wake up early, and drink my coffee in this mug, holding it in my hands and feeling the comfort and warmth of it, and listen to Telemann while I read thoughtful magazines like the Atlantic and the New Yorker, and do my Artists Way Morning Pages, and look out the window and think what a lovely day it is, and a cat will snuggle at my feet. I will feel calm and contented, and I will have a productive, amazing, kick@ss day. And it will all be because of the $1.99 mug. This isn't just a mug. This is autumn crispness and meditative mornings and kick-butt days. All for $1.99. I mean, seriously, how could you expect me to turn that down?
To which he replied that he couldn't expect me to turn it down, and by all means, I should consider getting a second one the next time I'm there.
So, thanks to Target, my table in the mornings looks like this. Candle: $5.99. Mug: $1.99. White Chocolate Mocha ingredients: $2.00. Tablecloth: $9.99. Autumn Bliss: Priceless.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
My 9-11 Remembrance: The Last Carefree Emails
I was living in London on September 11, 2001. And so I got wind of what was happening in New York after lunch. I had spent the morning sparring over email with Nick and Paul - twin brothers I had met through the choir we started. We had a good time poking fun at each other, planning a Thanksgiving visit back to the US, poking fun at my boss (Lynne Franks, who was supposedly the inspiration for the show Absolutely Fabulous, and thinking about lunch (I went to Muji on Carnaby Street and bought some pens that lunchtime).
It's weird to read these emails and think back on a time when I could innocently make a joke about how being considered an American was worse than being considered an idiot. In a few hours, that kind of talk would become unpatriotic and borderline-treasonous.
I had to leave London a few months after 9/11 because they cracked down a lot harder on visas, and people like me, who were on questionable student visas, suddenly found ourselves a bit stuck. But that's a small price to pay. London isn't going anywhere.
It's odd for me to look back on this email thread and see the end of an era in real time. It's a poor remembrance, but it's a remembrance nonetheless.
---------------------------------------- Message History ----------------------------------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner on 11/09/2001
09:49
ZE8To: Nick Bland/DMGCON/DMG UK/DeuBa@DMG
UK cc:
It's weird to read these emails and think back on a time when I could innocently make a joke about how being considered an American was worse than being considered an idiot. In a few hours, that kind of talk would become unpatriotic and borderline-treasonous.
I had to leave London a few months after 9/11 because they cracked down a lot harder on visas, and people like me, who were on questionable student visas, suddenly found ourselves a bit stuck. But that's a small price to pay. London isn't going anywhere.
It's odd for me to look back on this email thread and see the end of an era in real time. It's a poor remembrance, but it's a remembrance nonetheless.
---------------------------------------- Message History ----------------------------------------
Subject: send me names
please.
thank you.
-------
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
will do - let me get a report out and over they'll come . . . . .
------------------------------------------------------------------
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
-------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner
on 11/09/2001 09:57 ZE8
To: Nick Bland/DMGCON/DMG UK/DeuBa@DMG
UK
you rocketh most mightily.
i know . . .Paul & I want champers on the flight over with lunch! Mwa!
Nick Bland
------------------------------------------------------------------
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
Front Office Reporting and Planning
------------------------------------------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner
on 11/09/2001 10:10
ZE8
To: Nick Bland/DMGCON/DMG UK/DeuBa@DMG
UK
Talk English for goodness sake.
-------------------
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
champers = champagne
dur you're soo stoopid!
Nick Bland
---------------
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
------------------------------------
-----Original Message-----
From: Nick Bland [mailto:]
mmmm nice
Nick Bland
---------------
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
--------------------------
on 11/9/01 6:13 pm, Paul Bland wrote:
Mmm heather drool - nice !!!! C'mon Heather you work with Lynn Franks
!!!
Champers is an Ab fab-ism - which planet have you been living on ??
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
no,
that's shish. Sheesh is a noise you make
when you're exasperated by nitpicky boys.
what
are you both doing on saturday night?
Proms in the park. Let's go!
-------------------------
on 11/9/01 1:44 pm, Paul Bland wrote:
Heather - you're not an idiot, you're American and you should be proud !!
Anyway, both you must sort out your e-mail disclamers/siggys - they make the message
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
Nick -
see what I mean... he thinks I'm American.
American. Which is worse than being
an idiot, don't you think? You really
know how to charm a girl, Paul.
And I
don't put my siggy on, or disclaimers.
It's Nick.
So
what are you both doing for lunch?
--------------------------
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
Paul - I think you mean protracted, truncated is the opposite
Heather - nothing much wrong with your heritage, you should be proud of your
history, all c.100 years of it.
look no siggy!
Ps no can do proms in tha park. . . doing a concert in Kent
-----------------------
on 11/9/01, Paul Bland at wrote:
Fuck off Nick !
Heather would you like to send a profanity to my bastard brother ?
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
still,
ok. fuck off nick.
and by the way, I'm not so sure the Indians (excuse me, Native Americans) would be happy with you neglecting them from our heritage!
-----------------
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
Go to www.cnn.com
there's a picture of what has been reported as a plane crashing into the world
trade centre in New York.
______________________________________
they've evacuated canary wharf given what has happened. . . .
-------------------------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
are you going?
ps this is making me feel really sick. . .
hope you're okay. . . .
------------------------------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 8:51 AM
hope you're feeling better today.
xxh
Nick Bland
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
you rocketh most mightily.
------------------------------
on 11/9/01 5:59 pm, Nick Bland wrote:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Front Office Reporting and Planning
ZE8
what's a champer? Am I meant to
understand what that means?
Mwa
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
From: Heather Anne Buettner on
11/09/2001 10:29
ZE8
To: Nick Bland/DMGCON/DMG
UK/DeuBa@DMG UK
cc:
Subject: Re: send me names
Dur, like how the hell am I supposed to understand your secret
language?
Geez.
I'm not going to let you have champers. You'll be all tipsy before we
even land. No wait, that's
me.
I'm going to sit in the middle and take turns sleeping on each of
you so
you
each get equal amounts of Heather Drool on your shirts. I bet you can't
wait!
From: Nick Bland [mailto:]
mmmm nice
Legal Entity Cost Controlling
Champers is an Ab fab-ism - which planet have you been living on ??
-------------------------
Sent: 11 September 2001
God, the two of you...sheesh.
If you would stop forwarding on my emails to third parties (even if he IS
your brother) and send me the email list, I would be most appreciative, Nick!
I
don't WATCH Ab-Fab, Paul - I WORK with her, I don't NEED to watch it.
It's my LIFE, 'kay?
I'm in a foul mood because I forget how to get to the place where I'm meant
to be singing tonight and the lady isn't answering my email. I thought I
Now get back to work, the two of you... xxxxxxxxxxxxxh
---------------------------------
on 11/9/01, Paul Bland wrote:
Isn't 'sheesh' a type of kebab ?????
your brother) and send me the email list, I would be most appreciative, Nick!
It's my LIFE, 'kay?
Isn't 'sheesh' a type of kebab ?????
---------------------------
sooo truncated !!!
---------------------
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
-------------------
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
hey - language children...
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
Sent: 11 September 2001
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
I can't see it.
--------------------------------------
ohh you 2 are soo predictable . . .did you get my last mail re plane crashes
in the World trade Centre. . . .apparently there is more than one . . . sounds like a suicide mission to me. . . .
-------------------------------------------
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
And there was also just a bomb in the Pentagon in Washington
weird
shit going on in New York.
NICK
are you EVER going to send me those names????
in the World trade Centre. . . .apparently there is more than one . . . sounds like a suicide mission to me. . . .
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
And there was also just a bomb in the Pentagon in Washington
--------------------------
on 11/9/01, Nick Bland wrote:
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
---------------------------------------------
on 11/9/01 , Nick Bland wrote:
No, they won't evacuate central London.
ps this is making me feel really sick. . .
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 8:51 AM
To: paul bland
Subject: good grief
why are people so awful?
--------------------------------------
Subject: good grief
-----------
on 11/9/01, Paul Bland wrote:
I
know ! Lloyd's and around there has been evacuated ! I'm trying to call
you - are you OK ?
From: Heather Anne Buettner [mailto:heather@seedfusion.com]
Sent: 11 September 2001
you - are you OK ?
To: Paul Bland; 'Nick Bland'
Subject: Re: Gucci, Armani, La Croix, Names Names Names !!!!
on the phone to parents - call 020 7287 6519 -
that's lily's line Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Top Things Making Me Grumpy Today
1. Oliver on Project Runway. I really can't tolerate the fake accent any longer. I've put up with it for like 6 episodes already. Get it off my tv!
2. The fact that we haven't gone to the post office in like 2 weeks, and there was a nasty note in the mailbox when I went today saying I had to call a main office number to get my mail. I'm afraid to call it because I don't want them to yell at me for not emptying my mailbox regularly. I might make J, but I'm grumpy with him tonight, too.
3. My inbox in general and Groupon in particular. Listen Groupon, you were cool 18 months or so ago when I first found you, and you didn't spam me thirteen times a day. Can't you, you know, ask me some survey questions to find out that I'm really not going to be interested in a chemical peal in Redondo Beach for 60% off? I'd take the survey to get targeted emails from you. I really would. But I'm pretty much on the verge of marking you spam for now, cuz of all this crap you send me. And now google's getting in on it. If I have to listen to one more ad for Google Deals on my Pandora station, I'm going to knock somebody's head off.
4. Fresh and Easy. I love you F&E, I really do. When I heard that Tesco's in the UK was going to do a US store, I got really excited. And now that you sell McVities chocolate biscuits and Hobnobs, I'm even more of a fan. But this thing you do of not completely sealing the chicken in the plastic wrap, so that even though the date says Sept 7, it goes bad early because it's been getting air all weekend...that has just got to go. Could you try to be less ghetto in your meat packaging, please?
5. Barack Obama. Google "Obama + Cave". Or, if you're a liberal like me, don't. It will just get your blood pressure going. I'm donating money to Stephen Colbert's ColbertPAC this year because I can't tolerate giving Obama any more money for him to just use to, you know, destroy EPA regulations and refuse to raise taxes on the wealthy. Hillary Clinton's 3AM Phone Call ad is sadly starting to ring true.
Three Day Weekends are fun, but I'm just feeling grumpy now.
Monday, September 5, 2011
I'm a podcasting fool
I'm up late, having just done another episode of the Renaissance English History Podcast, cuz that's how I roll on a three day weekend. You can subscribe in itunes, or listen online (just click the EnglandCast tab). Cuz you know you need to know lots of stuff about 16th Century English Art in 10 minutes or less...
And I made these homemade potato chips today. I'm not really sure that they count as, you know, chips. But they're made with potatoes, oil, salt and pepper. So they ain't Doritos...
And since I'm punchy, and today my 32 year old husband tells me that when he grows up he wants to be a guitar player for Big Time Rush, it's time for Funny Local News: Arachnophobia Edition. Love how the woman tries to take charge. Leave it to a woman to try to keep stuff moving along. Bunch of stupid frat boys acting like ten year olds while the woman tries to do her job.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
What the hell CAN I Eat - Fake Food Edition
We all know I'm on a Noble Quest to Eat Better, right? One of the biggest things I'm noticing on my Journey is how little Actual Food there is in the grocery store. I read Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food when it first came out a few years ago (his axiom for health: Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants) and I thought, "yeah, that makes sense, we don't really eat a lot of real food."
But see, I thought that meant stuff like Dorito's or macaroni and cheese. I figured that, you know, yogurt, for example, was a real food.
I'm learning that I've been way off in jumping to that conclusion.
I've become an obsessive label-reader, and here's what I'm learning:
All those yummy General Foods International instant coffee that I love to mix with cold milk in a blender to make a pseudo-frappuccino? Not really food.
I was reading the label of my Hill's Brothers mocha mix, and I noticed that it's loaded to the brim with phosphates. Whereas my Starbucks Via instant coffee is simply coffee, cane sugar, and dried milk. I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat and asked myself, "what are these phosphates, and are they bad for me?"
It doesn't seem very cut and dry. The International Food Additives Council publishes a list of phosphates used in food, and why they're there. They're in loads of foods. Everything from cake mixes to soy milk. Apparently they are often used to prevent clumping (like in my instant coffee or the aforementioned cake mix).
The FDA lists them as "Generally Recognized as Safe." And they're approved for use in the EU. So it looks like they're ok, except possibly for people with kidney problems.
But still, here's the thing. So much of what we're eating isn't actually food. It's edible food-like substances that are engineered by food scientists. The plus side of this is that we get a lot of great food, very easily. Just add water, and you've got creamy coffee. They allow us to have an enormous range of food in our refrigerator that we don't even really need to cook ourselves. I'm sure it's made food less expensive. But the downside is that I'm loading my body up with chemicals. Coffee is not supposed to have a non-caking agent in it.
Is this sustainable?
Take my Fiber One bars. They're touted as being pretty healthy, right? They taste like granola and chocolate, and they have 11 grams of fiber. But they have Yellow Number 6 in them, which can cause tumors on the kidney, can mess with your chromosomes, and is banned in Norway.
Yellow Number 6 is approved in the US. Maybe Norway is overreacting. Or maybe not. Cigarettes are still legal, after all. Maybe in fifty years we'll all be aghast at the amount of food chemicals that we put into our bodies.
And I ask you, why the hell does a granola bar need to have Yellow Number 6 in it in the first place?
So the next phase of my Eating Better Quest is to get rid of as many of these chemicals as I can. Tomorrow I'm going to make my own potato chips, and I might even start making my own bread, because seriously, why is there high fructose corn syrup in bread? Of all the stupid things...
I'm gonna take this "no additives and chemicals" thing to the next level. For thousands of years people ate without this kind of crap in their food, and honestly, I think it's still too early to call it safe. So I'm out. I'm getting off the chemical train.
I'm glad I'm finding all this out now, before I get pregnant again. Because it takes time and effort to make your own bread and it's good to get in the habit now. Dammit, I'm committed to having a kitchen with real food in it, and not something that was created in a laboratory.
I shall report back on the chips, as well as other chemicals I'm finding in my new obsessive-label-reading experiment.
But see, I thought that meant stuff like Dorito's or macaroni and cheese. I figured that, you know, yogurt, for example, was a real food.
I'm learning that I've been way off in jumping to that conclusion.
I've become an obsessive label-reader, and here's what I'm learning:
All those yummy General Foods International instant coffee that I love to mix with cold milk in a blender to make a pseudo-frappuccino? Not really food.
I was reading the label of my Hill's Brothers mocha mix, and I noticed that it's loaded to the brim with phosphates. Whereas my Starbucks Via instant coffee is simply coffee, cane sugar, and dried milk. I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat and asked myself, "what are these phosphates, and are they bad for me?"
It doesn't seem very cut and dry. The International Food Additives Council publishes a list of phosphates used in food, and why they're there. They're in loads of foods. Everything from cake mixes to soy milk. Apparently they are often used to prevent clumping (like in my instant coffee or the aforementioned cake mix).
The FDA lists them as "Generally Recognized as Safe." And they're approved for use in the EU. So it looks like they're ok, except possibly for people with kidney problems.
But still, here's the thing. So much of what we're eating isn't actually food. It's edible food-like substances that are engineered by food scientists. The plus side of this is that we get a lot of great food, very easily. Just add water, and you've got creamy coffee. They allow us to have an enormous range of food in our refrigerator that we don't even really need to cook ourselves. I'm sure it's made food less expensive. But the downside is that I'm loading my body up with chemicals. Coffee is not supposed to have a non-caking agent in it.
Is this sustainable?
Take my Fiber One bars. They're touted as being pretty healthy, right? They taste like granola and chocolate, and they have 11 grams of fiber. But they have Yellow Number 6 in them, which can cause tumors on the kidney, can mess with your chromosomes, and is banned in Norway.
Yellow Number 6 is approved in the US. Maybe Norway is overreacting. Or maybe not. Cigarettes are still legal, after all. Maybe in fifty years we'll all be aghast at the amount of food chemicals that we put into our bodies.
And I ask you, why the hell does a granola bar need to have Yellow Number 6 in it in the first place?
So the next phase of my Eating Better Quest is to get rid of as many of these chemicals as I can. Tomorrow I'm going to make my own potato chips, and I might even start making my own bread, because seriously, why is there high fructose corn syrup in bread? Of all the stupid things...
I'm gonna take this "no additives and chemicals" thing to the next level. For thousands of years people ate without this kind of crap in their food, and honestly, I think it's still too early to call it safe. So I'm out. I'm getting off the chemical train.
I'm glad I'm finding all this out now, before I get pregnant again. Because it takes time and effort to make your own bread and it's good to get in the habit now. Dammit, I'm committed to having a kitchen with real food in it, and not something that was created in a laboratory.
I shall report back on the chips, as well as other chemicals I'm finding in my new obsessive-label-reading experiment.
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